Untethering Shame

Most of us are running a quiet project in the background of our lives: getting rid of our shame.But what if healing isn't about getting rid of shame at all?Jane I-Chen Liu, LMHC, LPCC, SEP, is back for round two, and she starts with a question that turns the whole conversation around: Why do we have to get rid of shame?Instead of trying to push shame away, Jane invites us to learn how to stay with it. Healing becomes less about eliminating shame and more about making peace with it.In this conversation, we explore the shame that comes with having an audience. Jane shares the morning her teacher in Taiwan called her to the front of the class and asked, "Jane, did you clean the desk today?" That single moment led to nightmares for the next 20 years.I share my own experiences too: the free lunch card that told everyone we were poor, wearing the same pair of pants multiple times a week, and pulling my eyelids apart to help my eyes focus so I wouldn't have to wear glasses.Jane, a therapist trained in IFS, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing, explains how shame can begin as protection, like a mother yelling "stop!" when her child runs into the street. But when that protective response turns into a message of "what's wrong with you?" without anyone helping us regulate afterward, it can become toxic shame.Maybe shame is really a belonging problem.We also explore what happens when judgment is real. People will judge us regardless of what we do, and Jane shares how she learned to navigate the judgment directed at her race, accent, and identity.We discuss why comparison is a dead end, how writing down the thoughts we keep ruminating on can help us feel seen, what Harry Potter and the Cursed Child teaches us about public humiliation, and why vulnerability, not perfection, is what creates connection.And we end with a simple but powerful practice: You are okay. Let your body receive that message, even if only 1% of you believes it right now.As Jane reminds us, we're all practicing how to increase our capacity to be with life's challenges, shame included.This conversation is for you if:You still carry a moment of public shame from years ago.You've done the work, read the books, and listened to the podcasts, but still feel like something must be wrong with you.You try to be perfect so no one has a reason to judge you.You put off therapy until you feel like you can show up a little bit better.ABOUT JANEJane I-Chen Liu, LMHC (WA), LPCC (CA), SEP, is the founder of KareKounseling PLLC, a trauma therapy practice in Lynnwood, Washington, offering telehealth across Washington and California.She helps adults heal childhood wounds, developmental trauma, CPTSD, generational trauma, and toxic shame using EMDR, IFS, and Somatic Experiencing.Website: https://karekounseling.comREADY TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP?Download the FREE handout, 5 Things Shame Resilient People Do Every Day, and start making daily shifts to break the shame cycle that's keeping you stuck.https://adversityrising.com/handoutsBook a free 20-minute discovery call to explore program options and find the support that best fits your needs.https://calendly.com/adversityrising/discovery-callSTAY CONNECTEDSubscribe to the podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, and leave a review to share your thoughts on this episode.Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2AouludJr7EweOkMIN9s42Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/untethering-shame/id1691795543YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdqCNF8lI6hq8U2GNQsAJkQWebsite: https://adversityrising.com

Many parents assume that becoming a grandparent guarantees them unlimited access to their grandchildren. But access is not automatic. It is not a right. It is a privilege, and it depends on the relationship you have with your adult child.When grandparents demand time with their grandkids or go around their adult child's boundaries, it often backfires. Instead of closeness, it creates distance. Because at its core, this is not just about your relationship with your grandkids. It is about your relationship with their parent.In this episode I walk through how to earn the trust that opens that door:Respect your adult child as the parent, even when you do not agree with their choicesAsk, do not assumeInvest in your relationship with your child, because a strong grandparent bond flows through a strong parent-child relationshipSet your own boundaries so you can give that love in a way that is sustainableThe role of a grandparent is earned, not given. It is about relationship, safety, and security, not entitlement on any side.I know there is nuance here. Safety concerns like substance use are a different conversation, and they deserve to be examined. If your situation does not fit neatly into these themes, book a free discovery call and we will look at your specific sticking points.Book a discovery call: https://calendly.com/adversityrising/discovery-callMore: https://adversityrising.comThis episode closes out my series for aging parents. If you have a question I did not cover, leave it in the comments.

Most of us know what it feels like to constantly prove we're enough. To perform, achieve, and stay "acceptable," often at the expense of our energy, self-trust, and connection to ourselves.But what if the pressure to keep proving ourselves isn't just personal? What if shame is also a tool that keeps larger systems in place?In this episode of Untethering Shame, Kyira sits down with Samantha Tetzlaff, a certified Mystic Astrologer, Somatic Educator for Women, and trauma-informed coach, to explore the deep connection between shame and the patriarchy.Sam shares her personal experience with overperforming, chasing masculine-coded achievement, and the ways that imbalance quietly affected her energy, presence, and relationship with herself.Together, Sam and Kyira explore how shame keeps us distracted, self-doubting, and disconnected from our bodies. They discuss the role of people-pleasing and perfectionism, the pressure of hustle culture, and how reconnecting with ourselves can become an act of resistance.As Audre Lorde famously expressed, self-care is an act of self-preservation and political warfare.This isn't a conversation about blaming men or simply expressing anger toward the patriarchy. It's about understanding the masculine and feminine energies within all of us, recognizing the signs of disconnection, and reclaiming the sovereignty many of us were conditioned to give away.In this episode, we explore:The connection between shame, the patriarchy, and systems of powerWhy overperforming and perfectionism can become survival strategiesHow people-pleasing keeps us disconnected from ourselvesWhy trying to fix yourself isn't the same as healingHow shame keeps existing systems runningThe importance of reconnecting with the body through somatic practicesWhat our triggers can teach us about unmet needsMasculine and feminine energy and the pressure of hustle cultureHow to recognize safety and begin rebuilding self-trustPractical ways to start reconnecting with yourselfMore About SamSam is a certified Mystic Astrologer and Somatic Educator for Women with a background in Counseling Psychology. She has been counseling individuals for nine years and hosting women's circles for two years. She also offers a monthly astrological membership and one-on-one intuitive, trauma-informed coaching.Her soul's mission is to empower women to remember their inherent cyclical nature and reclaim their embodied sovereignty.Connect with Sam:Website: https://samtetzlaff.comInstagram: @sherises_embodimenthttps://www.instagram.com/sherises_embodiment/Ready to Take the Next Step?Download the FREE handout, "5 Things Shame Resilient People Do Every Day," and start making daily shifts to break the shame cycle that's keeping you stuck in a negative headspace:https://adversityrising.com/handoutsBook a free 25-minute discovery call to explore different program options and find the support that best fits your needs:https://calendly.com/adversityrising/discovery-callStay Connected with Untethering ShameSubscribe to the podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, and leave a review to share your thoughts on this episode.Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2AouludJr7EweOkMIN9s42Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/untethering-shame/id1691795543YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdqCNF8lI6hq8U2GNQsAJkQWebsite: https://adversityrising.com

We cannot come for the holidays this year. Please call before you stop by. We do not parent that way. If your adult child has said something like this, maybe your first reaction was hurt, disappointment, or even anger. Maybe you thought, they are shutting me out.Here is the truth. Your children's boundaries are not about rejecting you. They are about keeping the relationship safe and sustainable. When your adult child sets a boundary, they are telling you how they can stay connected to you without burning out, without resentment, and without pulling away completely. Their boundaries are an invitation.In this episode I walk through how to respect your adult children's boundaries:Why boundaries from adult kids can feel like walls, and what they really areHow to listen without defensivenessHow to honor their limits without guilting themHow to adapt with curiosity instead of assumingYour child's limits are not a rejection. They are a roadmap to connection. Respect them and you will build trust. Resist them and you will build walls.And if you are thinking, but what about my boundaries, you are right. Sometimes a dynamic needs to shift on their side too. Book a free discovery call and we will look at what is and is not in your control.Book a discovery call: https://calendly.com/adversityrising/discovery-callMore: https://adversityrising.comThis is part of my series on messy parent-child relationships. Subscribe so the next one finds you.

What happens when your suffering is real, but nobody around you can see it?In this episode, Kyira sits down with Kristin Windsor, who lived for years with dissociative identity disorder, complex trauma, and symptoms that no one around her could see. By the time she was 24, Kristin had seen over 100 doctors. Her symptoms had been blamed on sin and "spiritual warfare," and it took more than ten years for anyone to suggest suppressed childhood trauma. When she was finally diagnosed with DID, everything she read told her it couldn't be cured, and that the best she could hope for was to barely cope.Together, Kyira and Kristin explore: why invisible does not mean invalid how shame and religious messaging taught her to distrust her own body what DID actually is, beyond the movies and the stigma why talk therapy alone couldn't reach what was stored in her body how she taught herself parts work and treated every symptom as a clue on a "treasure hunt" back to her wholeness the moment her inner child raised her hand and whispered, "I have hope" the idea of an "inner life partner" and how to meet your unmet needs from withinKristin shares how she went on to integrate all 15 parts of herself, and why her advice for anyone just starting out is simple: practice presence and practice self-love, every single day.If you've ever felt like your pain didn't count because no one else could see it, this conversation is for you.More about Kristin:Kristin Windsor teaches people how to reclaim their innate wholeness, restore inner well-being, and create lasting peace, joy, and freedom. Using her own neuroscience-based methods, she self-healed over 100 debilitating health challenges, 20 years of complex trauma, and seven years of amnesia, without external guidance. Kristin's work moves beyond surface symptoms to address the root causes of dis-ease. Through her books, courses, and 1:1 mentorship, she helps others break cycles of trauma and reclaim their authentic, empowered selves.Connect with Kristin:Website: https://www.kristinwindsor.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kristinsquantumcatalyzers/Ready to take the next step?Download the FREE handout, "5 Things Shame Resilient People Do Every Day" and start making those daily shifts to break that shame cycle that's keeping you stuck in that negative headspace. https://adversityrising.com/handouts-all?category=Addressing+Shame Book a free 25-minute discovery call to discuss different program options and find the support best fits your needs. https://calendly.com/adversityrising/discovery-callStay Connected:Subscribe to the podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts and be sure to leave a review to let us know your thoughts on this episode. Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2AouludJr7EweOkMIN9s42 Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/untethering-shame/id1691795543YouTube:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdqCNF8lI6hq8U2GNQsAJkQ Website: https://adversityrising.com

Your kids do not call. They do not visit. They do not show up the way you hoped they would. So you wait. You hope. And sometimes, without meaning to, you guilt.Here is the truth. Healthy relationships do not grow from waiting or blaming. They grow when both people take ownership of how they show up. Your kids are grown, but your part in this relationship did not end. It shifted, and it is still yours.In this episode I walk through how to take ownership of your relationship with your adult children:How to reach out regularly without expecting something in returnHow to be curious about their world without making it about your disappointmentWhy offering support works and control does notHow to respect their boundaries even when it feels uncomfortableStrong relationships are not about who is at fault. They are about who is willing to show up.If this resonates and you want deeper support, book a free discovery call and we will map out your next step.Book a discovery call: https://calendly.com/adversityrising/discovery-call More: https://adversityrising.comThis is part of my series on messy parent-child relationships. Subscribe so the next one finds you.

Why do so many people feel trapped in cycles of overthinking, people-pleasing, reassurance-seeking, and fear of abandonment, even when they logically know better?In this episode, Kyira sits down with trauma-informed somatic relationship coach Valerie Rubin to unpack the deep connection between shame and anxious attachment. Together, they explore how anxious attachment develops, why it impacts so many high-functioning adults, and how relationship anxiety is often rooted in nervous-system survival rather than weakness or "neediness."This conversation goes beyond surface-level attachment theory to examine:• The shame driving anxious attachment patterns• Self-abandonment in relationships• Anxious and avoidant relationship dynamics• The myth of complete independence• How trauma impacts emotional safety• Why healing requires both self-awareness and safe connectionKyira and Valerie also discuss what true healing looks like through somatic work, self-compassion, inner-child healing, and nervous-system regulation, helping listeners move from survival mode into relationships rooted in security, honesty, and self-trust.If you've ever felt like you were "too much," emotionally exhausted from overthinking relationships, or constantly trying to earn love and reassurance, this episode will help you understand why and remind you that healing is possible.MORE ABOUT VALERIEValerie Rubin is a trauma-informed somatic relationship and anxious-attachment coach and the host of The Anxiety Recovery Podcast, a top 10% video podcast on Spotify. She helps people heal anxious attachment, relationship anxiety, and fear of abandonment by working with the nervous system rather than just the mind.Valerie blends somatic tools, inner-child work, and attachment theory to help clients feel safe in love without overthinking, chasing, or self-abandoning. She has been featured on numerous podcasts and works with clients worldwide while living a digital-nomad lifestyle. Her work centers on turning anxiety into security and relationships into places of safety rather than survival.CONNECT WITH VALERIEPodcast Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/show/1UZDfyhUZgAGIdlEv5VP85Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/healwithvalFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/423037886087059LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/valerierubin/Website: https://stan.store/healwithvalREADY TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP?Download the FREE handout, "5 Things Shame Resilient People Do Every Day," and start making those daily shifts to break the shame cycle that's keeping you stuck in a negative headspace.https://adversityrising.com/handouts-all?category=Addressing+ShameBook a free 25-minute discovery call to discuss different program options and find the support that best fits your needs.https://calendly.com/adversityrising/discovery-callSTAY CONNECTEDSubscribe to the podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, and be sure to leave a review to let us know your thoughts on this episode.Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2AouludJr7EweOkMIN9s42Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/untethering-shame/id1691795543YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdqCNF8lI6hq8U2GNQsAJkQWebsite: https://adversityrising.com

Is wanting control actually a problem, or is it the rigidity around it?In Part 1 of this two-part conversation, licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha "Sami" Turetsky joins Kyira to explore overcontrol and Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO DBT), a treatment designed for people who hold their emotions in too tightly rather than letting them spill out.Kyira steps into the role of both interviewer and subject as they unpack how overcontrol can be wired in from birth and hardened by life experience, why it often hides behind traits our culture rewards, and how it can quietly lead to loneliness and disconnection.Sami explains the two subtypes of overcontrol: overly agreeable people-pleasers and overly disagreeable "need to be right" folks. They explore why we're never as good at masking our feelings as we think we are, and how shame's urge to hide keeps people stuck.Through real-life examples, including a family vacation itinerary, a ripped box of playing cards, and a toddler's nap schedule during COVID, they explore fixed versus fatalistic mind, why rumination feels like problem-solving but isn't, and the practice of self-inquiry.Sami closes with a quick, body-based skill called the "Big Three Plus One" that you can use anywhere to help shift your nervous system out of threat mode.MORE ABOUT DR. SAMIDr. Samantha Turetsky is a licensed clinical psychologist with more than a decade of experience specializing in eating disorders, perfectionism, and overcontrol. She particularly loves working with high achievers who look like they have it all together but feel unfulfilled and disconnected.She is Level 2 trained in RO DBT and runs a fully virtual practice, licensed in Washington and all 43 PSYPACT states, where she also leads an RO DBT skills class.CONNECT WITH DR. SAMIWebsite: https://www.therapywithdrsami.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/drsamanthaturetskyREADY TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP?Download the FREE handout, "5 Things Shame Resilient People Do Every Day," and start making daily shifts to break the shame cycle that's keeping you stuck in a negative headspace.https://adversityrising.com/handouts-all?category=Addressing+ShameBook a free 25-minute discovery call to discuss different program options and find the support that best fits your needs.https://calendly.com/adversityrising/discovery-callSTAY CONNECTEDSubscribe to the podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, and leave a review to let us know your thoughts on this episode.Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2AouludJr7EweOkMIN9s42Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/untethering-shame/id1691795543YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdqCNF8lI6hq8U2GNQsAJkQWebsite: https://adversityrising.com

Should parents be best friends with their kids? Can my kid be my best friend? My answer is no, and here is why. Being close to your kids is beautiful. But when you try to be their best friend, especially once they are adults, the lines get blurry. Instead of staying the parent, you become a peer. And what feels like closeness to you can actually feel like pressure or a burden to them.Here is the truth. Your child can have many friends. They only get one or two parents. And that role matters, even when they are grown. It means being willing to say it is never going to feel like 50-50. You will always give more than you receive. That is what it means to be a parent.In this episode I walk through how to stay the parent as your kids grow up:Why being your child's best friend blurs the lineHow to shift from authority to respectHow to be supportive without becoming dependent on themHow to hold your own boundariesThey do not need another friend. They need a parent who respects their independence, supports them without strings, and shows up with steady, unconditional love.If this resonates and you want deeper support, book a free discovery call and we will map out your next step.Book a discovery call: https://calendly.com/adversityrising/discovery-call More: https://adversityrising.comThis is part of my series on messy parent-child

What if your anxiety isn't the real problem?In this episode, somatic coach and Healing Embodied founder Chelsea Horton joins Kyira to unpack anxiety as a secondary emotion: the thing we feel when we're afraid of feeling something deeper, like rejection, loss, embarrassment, or shame.Together, they explore why anxiety can feel safer than the feelings underneath it, how to tell the difference between normal human nervousness and anxiety that's disproportionate to the moment, and why one small comment can hit like a level ten when it "opens a door" to an old, unresolved story.Chelsea introduces her "shame sandwich" (shame about having anxiety on top, the anxiety itself in the middle, and the core fear of being fundamentally broken on the bottom). Both women also get personal about parentification, emotional caretaking, money, and the deep discomfort of being cared for without having to earn it.From a puppy-training binder to a loaf of bread that refused to rise, this conversation shows how conditional worth quietly shapes our relationships, and why saying the shame story out loud creates the space we need to finally question it.MORE ABOUT CHELSEAChelsea Horton is a somatic coach, educator, and founder of Healing Embodied, where she trains wellness professionals and leaders to integrate somatics, creativity, and emotional healing into their work.After experiencing shame and overwhelming anxiety that fueled self-doubt and overthinking, Chelsea discovered who she was beyond those patterns through her own embodied healing. Today, she helps others explore how embodiment can support their journey toward freedom from anxiety, fear, and shame.CONNECT WITH CHELSEAWebsite: https://www.healingembodied.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/healing.embodiedTikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@healing.embodiedYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@healingembodiedFREE RESOURCE: 5 THINGS SHAME-RESILIENT PEOPLE DO EVERY DAYDownload the free handout and start making daily shifts to break the shame cycle that's keeping you stuck in a negative headspace.https://adversityrising.com/handouts-all?category=Addressing+ShameREADY FOR MORE SUPPORT?Book a free 25-minute discovery call to discuss program options and find the support that best fits your needs.https://calendly.com/adversityrising/discovery-callSTAY CONNECTED WITH UNTETHERING SHAMESubscribe to the podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, and leave a review to share your thoughts on this episode.Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2AouludJr7EweOkMIN9s42Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/untethering-shame/id1691795543YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdqCNF8lI6hq8U2GNQsAJkQWebsite: https://adversityrising.com