#265 - Alienator

This week, we get into 2011’s Trespass, starring Nicolas Cage, Nicole Kidman, and …others. It’s a home invasion flick where the big bad looks like Tony Hinchcliff, but less mentally disabled. Ready to batten down the hatches and figure out who’s going to make it out alive? It’s pretty by the numbers, so there shouldn’t really be any surprises here. Let’s go! Gem guy gets got by gaggle of grifters, gratuitously granting gemological grading in his glass house, give-and-take gabfest gets grisly when guard guy grabs gem guy’s gal pal before getaway, great job! Goofiness germinates and the whole gig gets garbled! Poolside Breen bagging! Chinstrap threatens to kill the big man. Stewing in ciggy smoking stalker’s issues! Baby brother bing bang? Avery’s arrival ends in abduction! Too many dipsy doo’s for Chris! Too many convenience pivots! Rob’s noisy Disco Pickle! Zirconia cuck fucking your wife! Leslie Clampit, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we get into 1981’s Carbon Copy, Denzel Washington’s first movie. It’s about a white guy whose life falls apart when he finds out he has a black son, and then hilarity ensues! Hilarity? Sorry, we meant to say good old fashioned family racism! This movie is quite mean-spirited, but Denzel Washington is such a powerhouse of talent that nothing could stop him from securing his place in Hollywood. We’d be lying if we said this one wasn’t rough to watch! Black boi bothers brutish businessman, businessman’s boss berates boi and businessman, breaking businessman by banning the bank… business man and boi break down, and bunker in bungalow building, bonding over the bastards that betrayed them, but their budding brotherhood blossoms by bringing forth their backgrounds and breaking barriers by the back end of this blockbuster! Begging his broad for a bang but being rebuffed! Tickle hooks! Chris’ thick, creamy reminders! Walter’s rape widget, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com(Our website is new and improved! Click on it, you cowards!!!)

This week we get into 1995’s Species! Or, as we called it when we were children: Tits: The Movie. One of the first boobs I’ve ever seen was in Species. But upon rewatching, I can’t say I remembered Jeff Bezos having such a prominent role in this film. You’re terrible at holding alien sex babies hostage, so stick to the book sales, sir! Also, we have a new website, and that’s pretty neat… we’ll plug it at the bottom of this rant! It’s a bona fide discovery funnel!  Perfunctory, pathetic protagonists perpetuate prehistoric patriarchy by pursuing a pulchritudinous, promiscuous, procreating predator, prioritizing perverted pleasures, preposterous plotting, plentiful pulpy pandemonium, and profoundly puerile posturing in a painfully predictable parade of predation, panic, and propagation! No more Tit Scope ™, introducing Perky Patrol! Welcome to our discovery funnel! Bezos’ brilliantly botched baby murder! Preaching to the beats? No visible cocoon goo on the outfit! Forest Whitaker, Empath! Getting away with the Greek and his rape widget! Tit and butt to heartbeat music to dumpster scares! Naked car climbing catastrophes! Fiddling Marg’s giblets! Petroleum passageways, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! That’s our new website. Click it, you cowards! 

This week, we kick off SEASON 29 with 2012’s Food Fight, which started its lengthy and troubled production in the early 2000s, when nobody batted an eyelash over the fact that Hilary Duff has more upskirt shots and gooner faces than we can reasonably articulate. Also Charlie Sheen is her lover. Also Christopher Lloyd has jiggly arms and walks around like an epileptic working the late shift at a strobe light factory. This one’s an all timer, so let’s stop wasting time and get right to it! Mammal matrimony marred by malicious man-eater and Mr. Clipboard, maliciously making meaningfully manipulated margins from Marketropolis, making sure mascots run amok before meeting their maker, while massive melee matches memories of mass murder with militaristic malice! Shocking amount of Hilary Duff upskirt, but only when she’s not making a gooner face! Chris doesn’t understand the auspices in which this situation is supposed to proceed! Is that fucking Christopher Lloyd? Dex can’t catch raisin’s anymore! Priscilla Pusly’s roast beef flappery! Potato Captain’s painful pontifications! Banging the chocolate squirrel! Don’t cry for me, Charlie Tuna? Soda mechanic complications! Bubblegumming the exobytes! Reynold’s teeth are better, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week we’re taking a break between seasons in order to recalibrate our machines. That’s right, we’re SHUTTING IT DOWN! Bar Rescue style. Rob’s in Florida, shouting from his Ford Escape and Chris is practicing his butt funnel maneuvers as the two Taffer Blast ™ their way through one of the series’ most iconic episodes, “Rock ‘n’ Roaches,” about a bar known as Head Hunters that hosts bands that perform abortion simulations on stage, and may or may not be infested with cockroaches. So for this episode, Chris and Rob pull back the doors, bust open the books, and dive into Bar Rescue. If you’re enjoying these relaxed fit episodes, email us at [email protected], or click the link at www.theworstmovieevermade.com to let us know. We kick off our new season next week with 2012’s Food Fight, and we're so, so, sorry. 

Hey, Pachuco! We’re closing out season 28 with 1994’s The Mask. It holds up, just don’t watch the Jamie Kennedy one, which we covered ages ago as a regular episode. Now, like Napoleon, we’ll divide and conquer! SOMEBODY STOP US!!! Empathetic everyman from Edge City empowered and ensconced with egregious energy, enhancing every interaction, eccentrically enamoured with evil entrepreneur’s enchantress, escaping and evading enforcers, earning eminence through his enthralling expressions! Entity of expression encased in emerald! Dumpy industrial looking Detroit place! Cameron Diaz ink blotting her totters! Beetlejuice Broadway handjobs? Shrinkwrapped Adam Corolla, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we get into 1994’s The Cowboy way, where the toughest guy they could find for the antagonist was Dylan McDermott. Don’t worry, though, because one of the good True Detectives and Jack Bauer are on the case, and they’re … kinda pissed? Let’s round ‘em up!Perturbed Pepper, portrayed by perennially pompous patsy, patrols the polis with police and peckish partner per poncho’s prepared plea, pressing past punishing parasitic profiteer, pragmatically pushing pedestrians, playfully popping provokers with pepper grinding pelvic pulsing! Kevin Costner’s narrow, bitch-man face! Potato parfait! Captain America cutting boards! New batch of humanly trafficked! Puckering up to Sonny’s shit ass! Where was Papa Nacho?! Hats full of assholes! Shady Schwimmer gooning in the Big Apple! Sonny has no money! Short pants and stick horses! A calf sucking a man’s dick, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we take a bite out of 1994’s Tammy and the T-Rex, Paul Walker’s finest hour. This one’s confusing, but never not amusing. So grab your buddies balls with a firm grip, and let’s get right to it!REEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Rambunctious Rex gets randy with really ‘rousing Richards, rightfully ravages reprehensible rabble rousers, ruminates on reality, rampages and riots without raping, and reacts realistically to radical research while roaming romantically! Tammy wants the gablow gabloo! A whole bunch of fiery fucking felines! Muscle man ugly girl comparison? Caveman Ken! Eating Billy’s fuck buddy! Drunkcle Bob’s barn! Bib boobied Helga! Bad credit name Tit Scope ™! Inconsistent mauling! Fresh vat water for cranial cummies, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we get into 2002’s The Hot Chick, starring Rob Schneider. He’s afraid to pee his pretty pink little panties, but don’t worry, he’ll lead you to believe that they’re his girlfriend’s panties, because everybody pees in their girlfriend’s panties. We hear you can put your weed in there too. What a fucking tragedy of a movie, but we’d be lying if we didn’t laugh at a few things. Flabbergasting Freaky Friday flipperoo with former funny friend of fatally unfunny franchise, forgetting favorable feedback, floundering through farcical female facsimile, frivolous flirting, fraudulent femininity, frat-boy foolishness, freakish facial expressions, flaccid fart-fueled funnybusiness, forced friendship, fashion faux pas, fornication-adjacent fiascos, fundamentally flawed filmmaking, and a frankly fucking fascinating failure. Clive in his recliner! Rob’s in his grilled kimcheese era! Sandler cameo? Triple dippy dumpster doopie! Billy blowing off the Clive Steam ™! Girl guy gay gags, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we revisit 1993’s Demolition Man, a movie that we did years ago, and are revisiting again for some reason. We’ve both seen this movie a hundred times, and will probably watch it a hundred more times, and the jury’s still out on whether this one is “bad” or not. Misunderstood satire? Youbetcha. Hunka Chunka with Sandra Bullock? Pass me the Baja Blast, and let’s get frisky, San Angeles style! He felt three shells down by the … nevermind! Terrible terrorist takes on tyrannical taco town, ‘ttacking thumb twiddling tactile task forces … thankfully, tenacious s’Tallone, takes time to trade tertiary ‘telligence, while tearing ‘tagonist a new tooshie! Chris’ ham cans! What’s an Asian movie bus?! Brain-style ball bag! The fiendish Simon Phoenix! Sea shell stink palm! Two-ply profanity paper peel offs! General Dickfoot! Thawed thugs unleashing hell, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.thebestmovieevermade.com