EP009: Pandemic Dating, Chasing Unicorns And Brutal Honesty
While a car metaphor may be a bit dated, it does seem to hit the nail on the head… Usually, we're attracted to the shiny exterior, but when we look under the hood, the excitement may fall away. Would the reverse be possible then? Look under the hood, get excited, and then get attracted to the exterior? Are men and women different on that front? Join Tony, Ron, and Andrea as they tackle all of those questions, almost naming names, always brutally honest, and often skirting the lines of what's acceptable! Key Takeaways [2:53] Tony opens up the discussion with a metaphor leading to the question: can intellectual and emotional connection pave the way to sexual excitement for men, or is it only ever the other way around? Andrea offers examples on how, for her, it absolutely does work that way… She's met solid tens that lost their luster when she peeked under the hood and has also met sevens and eights whose maturity and intelligence turned them hot in a heartbeat! Do men and women fundamentally differ in that aspect? can you even find a partner that is deep, that is hot, and that has everything you want? From religious constraints to fighting 10,000 years of history [5:04] Is it really on one person that rests the burden of your happiness and satisfaction? Yin (feminine, right brain, sex) and Yang (masculine, left brain, conversation) are complementary energies. However, even if they are not gendered, shifting between yin and yang energies is hampered by social gender narratives. This prevents both men and women to express feminine and masculine energies at any given (and opportune) time to accommodate an eventual partner. Doing the work [9:27] Andrea explains that "doing the work" at its core means identifying your common patterns in order to break them up and adapt them to the reality you're looking to build around yourself. The rules of engagement [7:25] Ron offers that the rules of engagement when it comes to what is expected of a relationship have been broken up by so many external forces like religion, society, and biology, that the diversity of backgrounds means that everyone has a particular "broken pattern" and that getting your puzzle piece to meet with that of another is difficult. [12:44] "How much older do I have to get to realize that unicorns just don't exist?" Wisdom [13:00] Realising long-term satisfaction vs. a temporary high is the goal, but that means many things to different people — Margaret Mead suggested you should marry your first love, marry for family, and marry a third time for companionship. Andrea enjoins that Tony should not be Margaret, Tony should be Tony. Excitement [17:20] Dating is the pinnacle of excitement, but now that we can't really do all that, people are getting more real. The pandemic has exposed this American dating format — trips, fancy restaurants, events — as a fun culture but one that may be a little rotten. Blondes make better wives [19:27] Yep, we go there. They're not the same [22:30] Tony touches on the difference between love and lust. Ron loves a lot of people. He speaks to his relationship with his wife and some of his previous girlfriends. And lusting for multiple people at the same time. Poly wants all the crackers [26:05] We keep doing things because it's what we think we have to do. But doing the opposite, say, the polyamorous thing, you're turning your back on society and you can become a pariah. If we could work it out with society, we'd be waaaay more poly! HELP TONY [28:06] Though Tony is not a rule follower all of this relationship stuff is so complicated, can't someone just tell him what to do? Let's talk about Andrea [29:05] Though she prefers monogamy, she is looking for a partner: a person who will support her, be competent, strong mentally and emotionally, flexible, and able to have productive conversations. Companionship and flexibility sound like keys to Andrea. On Unicorns [33:05] As the expectations of having it all in a relationship increases, the complexity goes up and it requires more skill. Now the male and female have to be able to adeptly shift between yin and yang energies, it requires a whole lot of communication and emotional intelligence skills. You're going to move in and out of a relationship flow state, and when you're out of it, the question will become, was the flow deep enough to maintain the relationship? AHA! [35:27] Tony's teacher said "relationships are the crucible of life." To be able to work out your sexual desires, your intellectual needs, your emotional needs, that's all of life! That's it! How we try to make it work [36:10] Monogamy, it's a tough tackle. Once you're past the lust part, how do you value the rest of a relationship? Tony speaks to his own experience with a "hall pass." Following society's rules won't necessarily make you happy, but when you love someone you want them to be happy! QUESTIONS FOR ANDREA! [44:07] Q1: As a man, how do you separate yourself from the pack? Just be you, and have the balls to come say "Hey! How are you" and have a casual conversation. Be mindful of how you carry yourself in a group of people — hold your own but don't be attention-grabbing. Be as casual and friendly as you can. Q2: Is "hard to get" still a thing during COVID-19? NOBODY LIKES THOSE GAMES. And no one has time for that sh*t. Have the guts to just be honest. Brutal honesty [50:40] Andrea shares two key moments when brutal honesty enabled meaningful conversation for her recently. Tony looked at Andrea's guy and he's a normal-looking dude! Becoming a better person [57:30] Tony's date is driving her to be better, Ron touches on the work that needs to be done on both parts for a relationship to work. Andrea gives an example of the energy exchange required in order for a relationship to click; guess what, it all boils down to intangibles. Conclusions? [1:07:50] There are some tangible things to productive relationships, and some others are completely out of our control. Maybe we need 5,000 years of zen to figure relationships out, but in the meantime, maybe the best you can do is figure yourself out and be true to that. Thanks for tuning in. More about your hosts Podcast: tonywongpodcast.com Agile Coaching: Agiletony.com Executive Coaching: Agiletony.com/mental-and-emotional-agility Twitter: Twitter.com/agile_tony LinkedIn: Linkedin.com/in/tonywongdigitalonion Youtube: Youtube.com/channel/UCJyT0C_nrzAZ9GhmOXaSRRw Co-host Ron Williams on LinkedIn: Linkedin.com/in/ronwilliams More about our guests Andrea Hollenbeck on Instagram @andreajileen and on LinkedIn
