Talking Your Way to Change: A Mental Health and Psychology Podcast

What if the reason you keep falling back into “just how I am” is not fixed personality, but a pattern you can actually change? Dr. Banker uncovers why being busy, productive, or overly responsible can feel safer than being playful, flexible, or spontaneous - and why the qualities you want most can trigger guilt, anxiety, or shame. Using a simple holiday scene at the kitchen sink, this episode exposes a hidden truth about personality: the traits you show most consistently are shaped by more than habit. They’re tied to relationships, emotions, values, and the stories you learned about yourself over time. You’ll discover:why psychologists see personality as more flexible than most people assumehow relationship dynamics can make growth feel uncomfortablewhy practicing a new quality can bring up guilt or fear instead of freedomsix small steps for exploring another way of being without forcing a fake personality makeoverDr. Banker also breaks down the basics of personality itself - not just habits, but patterns of thinking, feeling, behaving, interests, drives, values, abilities, and emotional responses. If you’ve ever wondered why change feels harder than it should, this episode offers both compassion and a practical starting point. Perfect for anyone who wants to understand themselves better, loosen old patterns, and move toward a more playful, courageous, and flexible version of who they are. Dr. Banker explores why familiar ways of being can feel difficult to change, even when we want to be more playful, patient, or flexible. Using the example of someone who keeps doing chores while family gathers to play, the episode introduces personality as something shaped by multiple influences, not simply a fixed identity.Personality includes characteristic patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving across situations and over time.It is more than a collection of traits: it also involves interests, drives, values, abilities, emotional patterns, and self-understanding.Staying busy can help someone avoid troubling thoughts or feelings, such as shame about not being productive.Trying a different way of being may bring up guilt, anxiety, or shame, including discomfort when someone else takes over a familiar responsibility.Personality develops through many interacting influences, suggesting there may be room to explore change with greater self-compassion.Dr. Banker previews six small steps for exploring another way of being; the steps are not covered in this excerpt.Timestamps00:00 - The holiday dishes someone cannot stop doing01:28 - Why familiar patterns can feel like “just my personality”02:49 - How psychologists define personalityMcIlwain, D. (2006). Already filtered: Affective immersion and personality differences in accessing present and past. Philosophical Psychology, 19(3), 381–399.⁠ https://doi.org/10.1080/09515080600690581⁠⁠ tandfonline.com⁠McIlwain, D. (2007). Rezoning pleasure: Drives and affects in personality theory. Theory & Psychology, 17(4), 529–561.⁠ https://doi.org/10.1177/0959354307079303⁠⁠ journals.sagepub.com⁠Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.⁠ guilford.com

Communication Problems—or Something Deeper?Is a relationship problem really a communication problem? In this solo episode, psychologist Xan Banker, Psy.D., L.P., explores why conflict often involves more than finding the right words. Defensiveness, shame, emotional regulation, attachment insecurity, and difficulty considering another person's perspective can all interfere with mutual understanding.Using a hypothetical couple's disagreement, Xan explores the difference between self-improvement and discernment. Sometimes the question isn't “How can I say this better?” but “What is happening between us, and what part is actually mine to work on?” She also considers when repeated denial or dismissal of someone's experience warrants closer attention, including the possibility of gaslighting.Three relational approaches guide the discussion: David Burns' Five Secrets of Effective Communication (disarming, thought empathy, feeling empathy, “I feel” statements, and stroking); John and Julie Gottman's concept of accepting influence; and Jessica Benjamin's idea of thirdness—moving beyond a rigid doer/done-to dynamic toward shared psychological space. Effective communication requires not only skills, but also curiosity, emotional regulation, respect, and willingness to be influenced.CHAPTERS00:00 – Beyond communication skills01:44 – Looking beneath the presenting problem04:09 – When clear communication isn't enough06:27 – Discernment versus better wording08:56 – Burns and the Gottmans10:13 – Burns' Five Secrets11:55 – Empathy, regulation, and respect13:36 – Accepting influence15:24 – Benjamin's thirdness16:20 – Doer/done-to conflict18:38 – You cannot do another person's work19:06 – Different problems, different work20:54 – Revising the first explanation21:20 – A better question to askREFERENCESBenjamin, J. (2018). Beyond doer and done to: Recognition theory, intersubjectivity and the third. Routledge.Burns, D. D. (2008). Feeling good together: The secret to making troubled relationships work. Broadway Books.Doss, B. D., Thum, Y. M., Sevier, M., Atkins, D. C., & Christensen, A. (2005). Improving relationships: Mechanisms of change in couple therapy. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 73(4), 624–633. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.73.4.624Feeney, J. A., & Karantzas, G. C. (2017). Couple conflict: Insights from an attachment perspective. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 60–64. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.017Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown Publishers.Luyten, P., & Fonagy, P. (2015). The neurobiology of mentalizing. Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment, 6(4), 366–379. https://doi.org/10.1037/per0000117National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). A deeper look into gaslighting. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/a-deeper-look-into-gaslighting/National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). What is gaslighting? https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-gaslighting/Schrodt, P., Witt, P. L., & Shimkowski, J. R. (2014). A meta-analytical review of the demand/withdraw pattern of interaction and its associations with individual, relational, and communicative outcomes. Communication Monographs, 81(1), 28–58. https://doi.org/10.1080/03637751.2013.813632Vangelisti, A. L. (1994). Couples' communication problems: The counselor's perspective. Journal of Applied Communication Research, 22(2), 106–126. https://doi.org/10.1080/00909889409365392

Choosing What to Work On in Therapy: Character Strengths, Resilience, and Well-BeingThis solo episode helps you sort through what to focus on in therapy or personal growth by introducing three practical frameworks: character strengths, resilience, and well-being. Xan explains how each one can guide different kinds of change, especially during stressful or emotional seasons like the holidays. Instead of treating growth as one vague goal, the episode gives you a way to name what you value, what helps you cope, and what would make life feel more meaningful.In this episode, Xan distinguishes between personality and character strengths, explaining that character strengths are positive value qualities such as honesty, kindness, curiosity, and courage.Xan introduces the VIA classification, which identifies 24 character strengths, and suggests using it like a menu to ask:Which strengths do I value?Which do I already express?Which do I want to bring into more situations?The episode gives concrete examples of using character strengths in daily life, such as:bringing curiosity into disagreementsusing honesty to say what you actually feelleaning on courage to do something meaningful even while nervousXan then shifts to resilience, describing it as the ability to adapt to stress, change, and difficulty.The resilience framework emphasizes psychological flexibility, coping, social support, and purpose as resources that help people manage distress.Xan uses holiday stress as an example, showing how resilience might mean asking for help, reconnecting with meaning, or identifying the resources and relationships available to you.The third framework is well-being, which Xan describes as a way to work backward from the question: what would I like more of in my life?Xan explains PERMA as Martin Seligman’s model for flourishing:Positive emotionEngagementRelationshipsMeaningAccomplishmentThe episode emphasizes that flourishing does not mean perfect balance or constant happiness - people can be doing well in some areas and struggling in others, especially during grief or stress.Xan closes with a practical reflection exercise:Which framework fits you most right now?What area would you like to develop?What is one small, concrete way to explore it this week?00:00 - Why frameworks help you decide what to work on00:55 - Character strengths and the VIA classification02:19 - Resilience as adapting to stress and change03:49 - Using coping and support during holiday strain05:00 - Well-being as working backward from what you want more of05:58 - PERMA: positive emotion, engagement, relationships, meaning, accomplishment08:37 - What each PERMA element looks like in practice10:33 - Matching a strength or habit to the area you want to build11:26 - Choosing one framework to focus on right now12:25 - A fill-in-the-blank reflection exercise for the week13:55 - Next episode: figuring out what is actually yours to work on14:24 - Closing encouragement to begin small and stay curiousPick the framework that feels most relevant right now: character strengths, resilience, or well-being.Finish these prompts:The framework I relate to most right now is...An area I’d like to develop is...This matters to me because...One small way I could explore it this week is...Make the practice concrete:ask one question before giving adviceschedule time with a friendidentify one meaningful activity and make room for itNotice whether the practice fits your circumstances and adjust it as you go.

When a Setback Becomes an Identity: The Feared Self, Beliefs, and the Stories We CarryThis episode looks at why insight alone often does not change behavior, even when someone knows exactly what they “should” do. Dr. Banker explains how setbacks can get folded into identity, how schemas shape the meaning we assign to events, and why real change usually requires both reflection and repeated new experiences.We discuss the difference between taking responsibility and turning a mistake into a self-definition, plus practical ways to interrupt shame spirals and keep moving toward the person you want to become.Key topicsDr. Banker explores why people can know the right thing intellectually and still feel stuck emotionally or behaviorally.The episode focuses on the psychology of the self, especially possible selves and the feared self.A mistake, relapse, rejection, or lapse can quickly become identity language like “this is who I am.”Dr. Banker explains how collapsing behavior into identity tends to intensify shame and make change harder.The episode distinguishes responsibility from self-condemnation, emphasizing guilt, repair, and accountability without global self-attack.Schemas are introduced as organized belief systems that act like a recipe for interpreting life experiences.New events are filtered through existing beliefs, so the same criticism, rejection, or setback can mean very different things to different people.Self-sabotage is reframed as behavior that often makes sense once you understand the beliefs underneath it.Therapy is presented as more than thought replacement—it can include insight, understanding the origin and function of beliefs, and accumulating new lived experiences.Dr. Banker closes with the idea that growth means letting behavior inform you without letting it define you completely.Timestamps00:00 - Why insight does not always lead to change01:19 - Introducing schemas as the deeper system beneath behavior02:16 - When goals get filtered through fear, shame, and old beliefs03:18 - Responsibility without collapsing into identity04:17 - Two paths after relapse or failure05:14 - Schemas as organized patterns or “recipes”06:37 - Why the same event means different things to different people07:36 - When a mistake becomes proof of your feared self08:33 - How schemas drive self-sabotage and avoidance09:32 - Why therapy is more than replacing negative thoughts10:54 - Insight, origin, function, and new experiences11:53 - Building new evidence through action and risk12:24 - Asking what the next version of you would do13:19 - The value of micro decisions and repeated practice13:40 - Questions to ask after a mistake or rejection14:34 - Behavior can inform you without defining youNotable quotesCopy“A behavior can tell us something important without being allowed to tell us everything about who we are.”Copy“The work is learning that a behavior can tell us something important without being allowed to tell us everything about who we are.”Copy“Our stories aren’t finished.”

This solo guided reflection invites listeners to step back from rigid self-definitions and consider who they are becoming. You are not stuck with the story you’ve been telling yourself. This short guided reflection helps you loosen old labels, question the beliefs that have been running your life, and start becoming the version of you that feels more real, more confident, and more free.With calming breathwork and a series of powerful affirmations, this episode creates space to notice the difference between who you’ve been told you are and who you’re still becoming. It gently challenges the “I’ve always been this way” mindset and replaces it with something far more useful: the idea that change is possible, even when it starts small.You’ll hear affirmations about:letting go of outdated self-definitionsdoing things before you feel fully confidentmaking mistakes without turning them into identityholding your boundaries without apologygrowing without deciding you were never enough to begin withThe reflection also invites you to picture a future version of yourself - not a perfect one, just someone with a little more ease, trust, and self-kindness - and then asks what small step you can take today to move in that direction.If you’ve been feeling stuck, overly self-critical, or uncertain about what comes next, this is a reset worth pressing play on. It’s especially useful when you need a calm moment to step back, breathe, and remember that you are still becoming.00:00 - Arriving in the present and creating space to reflect00:33 - Different versions of yourself across time01:03 - Why self-beliefs are stories, not facts01:32 - How experiences and other people's views shape identity02:03 - Making room for who you are becoming02:46 - Undiscovered strengths and unfinished growth03:26 - Affirming permission to change03:52 - Acting before confidence fully arrives04:26 - Mistakes as information, not definition04:52 - Hearing other opinions without making them your identity05:12 - Wanting more without devaluing who you are today05:41 - Imagining a future self with more ease and trust06:38 - Looking at how that future self moves through ordinary life07:13 - Small choices that create real change07:43 - Asking who you are becoming08:01 - Practicing that identity in small, concrete ways08:24 - Closing reminder that you are still becoming 

This is the 4th Episode in a Self Series: Motivation and the Self: How Who I Am Influences What I DoEpisode #1: Answering the Question Who am I? What is Your Self-Concept Episode #2: The Self-Concept is Dynamic Episode #3: The Secret to Psychological Freedom: Strengthening the Part of You That Knows This episode explores how self-concept, possible selves, and motivation work together in a way that is more practical than abstract. The core idea is simple but powerful: changing behavior is often less about “wanting it badly enough” and more about how clearly you can imagine who you are becoming. Xan walks through the psychology of hoped-for selves, feared selves, and the gap between current behavior and future standards. The result is a clear framework for understanding why motivation sometimes moves us forward, and why it sometimes pushes us into avoidance instead. In this episode: motivation is defined as the process that energizes, directs, and sustains behavior toward or away from outcomes.self-concept is not fixed - different parts of identity become more accessible depending on context, role, and relationship. possible selves, introduced by Hazel Markus and Paula Nurius, include hoped-for selves, expected selves, and feared selves.I imagining a healthy future self works best when it includes not just appearance, but behavior - what that person does on an ordinary Tuesday. one mechanism for change is cognitive accessibility - behaviors linked to a future self may become more likely to enter consideration.the gap between current self and desired self can create motivation, but only when the gap feels workable.when the gap feels too large, people may avoid the comparison instead of trying to close it - through scrolling, procrastination, drinking, or withdrawal.feared possible selves can motivate change, but if they start to feel inevitable, shame and hopelessness can take over. sometimes people are pulled between two feared futures at once, such as staying in a harmful situation or leaving and facing another risk.identity is not only shaped by what we believe about ourselves - repeated behavior also feeds back into self-concept, like “votes” for the person we are becoming.00:00 - What healthy change actually looks like 00:46 - Why imagining a future self is not enough 01:43 - How future behaviors become mentally available 03:09 - Describe an ordinary Tuesday, not just an ideal image 03:53 - When the gap between selves becomes a motivator 06:20 - Why visualization alone rarely changes behavior 07:17 - A “recipe” for the behaviors of a future self 10:02 - When the feared future starts to feel inevitable 11:26 - Ideal self, ought self, and possible self 14:06 - Who created the standard you are chasing? 15:21 - Holding ambition and limitation at the same time 18:06 - Motivation without making outcomes the whole identity 20:25 - Behavior as evidence for identity 23:46 - Questions to ask when motivation is stuck 25:12 - Becoming someone, not just accomplishing somethingMarkus, H., & Nurius, P. (1986). Possible selves. American Psychologist, 41(9), 954–969. VanDellen, M. R., & Hoyle, R. H. (2008). Possible selves as behavioral standards in self-regulation. Self and Identity, 7(3), 295–304. Higgins, E. T. (1987). Self-discrepancy: A theory relating self and affect. Psychological Review, 94(3), 319–340. Oyserman, D. (2009). Identity-based motivation: Implications for action-readiness, procedural-readiness, and consumer behavior. Journal of Consumer Psychology, 19(3), 250–260. Oyserman, D., & Destin, M. (2010). Identity-based motivation: Implications for intervention. The Counseling Psychologist, 38(7), 1001–1043. Additional resource discussedClear, J. (2018). Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones. Avery. I'd list this under something like 

In this episode of Talking Your Way to Change, Dr. Xan Banker dives deep into the fascinating nature of self-awareness, emphasizing how our ability to observe and reflect on ourselves is uniquely human and vital for growth and resilience. If you've ever wondered how we develop a sense of self, or how therapy helps us expand our inner awareness, this episode offers clear insights grounded in psychology, philosophy, and everyday experience.The dual role of the self as both the experiencer and the observer, a concept introduced over 130 years ago by William James.How the capacity to step outside our immediate experiences enables self-regulation, emotional intelligence, and intentional change.The development of self-awareness through early attachments, shared engagement, and intersubjectivity, highlighting the importance of relationships.The therapeutic process of strengthening the "knower" within us to better respond rather than react to life's challenges.Practical examples, including the analogy of running, illustrating how shifting perspective helps tolerate discomfort and fosters growth.00:00 - Introduction to the theme: The human gift of self-awareness and reflection00:40 - The extraordinary part of being human: Observing your own reactions and emotions01:11 - The evolution of understanding the self: William James and the dual aspects of self02:06 - The importance of reflection: Why experiencing emotions alone is limited02:34 - The two functions of the mind: Experience and observation03:25 - The self as both the knower and the known: Building a sense of identity over time04:21 - The role of the observing self: Self-awareness, self-control, and regulation05:20 - How therapy enhances the capacity to know oneself: Insight and intentionality06:14 - The social roots of self-knowledge: Early attachment and shared engagement07:33 - The process of intersubjectivity: Learning about ourselves through others08:55 - The role of relationships in shaping self-awareness and identity**09:49 - How therapy borrows and then develops the capacity to observe ourselves**10:34 - The power of the shared space of intersubjectivity: Therapy as a mirror11:12 - Respond vs react: The freedom gained from self-awareness11:20 - A personal story illustrating the knower and known in running**13:10 - Contextualizing discomfort: The example of running and psychological flexibility14:34 - Moving between streams of awareness: The back-seat observer15:58 - How strengthening the reflective self leads to resilience and change**16:57 - Final thoughts: The human capacity for curiosity, choice, and growthReferencesBateman, A., & Fonagy, P. (2016). Mentalization-based treatment for personality disorders: A practical guide. Oxford University Press.Beck, A. T. (1976). Cognitive therapy and the emotional disorders. International Universities Press.Fonagy, P., Gergely, G., Jurist, E. L., & Target, M. (2002). Affect regulation, mentalization, and the development of the self. Other Press.James, W. (1890). The principles of psychology (Vols. 1–2). Henry Holt. https://doi.org/10.1037/10538-000Kabat-Zinn, J. (1994). Wherever you go, there you are: Mindfulness meditation in everyday life. Hyperion.Segal, Z. V., Williams, J. M. G., & Teasdale, J. D. (2018). Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy for depression (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.Sterba, R. (1934). The fate of the ego in analytic therapy. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 15, 117–126.Stern, D. N. (1985). The interpersonal world of the infant: A view from psychoanalysis and developmental psychology. Basic Books.Stern, D. N. (2004). The present moment in psychotherapy and everyday life. W. W. Norton.Trevarthen, C., & Aitken, K. J. (2001). Infant intersubjectivity: Research, theory, and clinical applications. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 42(1), 3–48.

This episode explores how the self is more than static qualities; it is an active, ever-changing psychological system. By unraveling the layers of self-concept, self-processes, and the different versions of ourselves, we gain tools for healthier self-management and deeper self-awareness—crucial for both personal growth and effective therapy.The self is like a river—always changing, yet maintaining enough continuity that we still recognize it as the same river. Psychologists developed the schema theory to explain how we interpret new experiences based on existing mental templates about ourselves.The concept of the working self is a subset of self-concept activated by circumstances and relationships.Different relationships activate different “working selves,” influencing behavior and emotional states.The idea of possible selves (actual, ideal, ought, and feared selves) highlights how perceptions of these versions can lead to discouragement or motivation.Problems often arise when these self-versions diverge significantly, creating gaps that foster feelings of hopelessness, anxiety, or stagnation.External influences and social comparisons often distort our perception of what is truly healthy or attainable.Therapy helps individuals differentiate and internalize healthier self-processes, moving from external regulation to internal resilience.The episode foreshadows a deeper exploration of the self’s observer—what it is that notices these various selves and thoughts.00:00 - Introduction to the self as a dynamic system 00:28 - The metaphor of the river and constant change 00:55 - Self-concept as content versus active system 1:24 - Behavior regulation and self-processes 2:24 - Schema theory and self-interpretation 2:54 - Impact of self-schemas on perception and emotion 3:23 - How different self-views influence reactions and feelings 3:50 - Self-esteem and therapy beyond mere validation 4:20 - Changing how we relate to our existing self 5:04 - The role of therapeutic relationships in shifting self-processes 6:11 - Activation of different working selves in relationships 7:07 - How therapy changes symptom expression through self-concept 8:04 - Multiple versions of the self: actual, ideal, and possible selves 9:34 - Risks of divergence between current and ideal self 10:04 - Living in the gap creates discouragement or living from obligation 11:28 - Cultural influences and the deception of perceived perfection 12:45 - Risks of risky behaviors as emotional regulation 13:43 -self & personal values 14:09 - Therapy as a journey away from feared selves toward healthier ones 15:06 - The ultimate question: Who is the observer of these selves?References Higgins, E. T. (1987). Self-discrepancy: A theory relating self and affect. Psychological Review, 94(3), 319–340.Fiske, S. T., & Taylor, S. E. (2021). Social Cognition (4th ed.).Leary, M. R. (2004). The Curse of the Self.Leary, M. R., & Tangney, J. P. (2012). Handbook of Self and Identity (2nd ed.).Markus, H. (1977). Self-schemata and processing information about the self. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 35(2), 63–78.Markus, H., & Wurf, E. (1987). The dynamic self-concept: A social psychological perspective. Annual Review of Psychology, 38, 299–337.Markus, H., & Nurius, P. (1986). Possible selves. American Psychologist, 41(9), 954–969.Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory.Fonagy, P., Gergely, G., Jurist, E. L., & Target, M. (2002). Affect Regulation, Mentalization, and the Development of the Self.Key insights from the episode:Timestamps:This episode leaves us pondering the vital role of self-awareness—the ability to observe our myriad selves without becoming identified with any single version. The next step? Exploring the distinction between the self that is known and the self that does the knowing, unlocking a deeper layer of understanding of consciousness itself. 

This episode explores the concept of self-identity, how it shapes our lives, and how understanding our self-concept can lead to greater resilience and self-awareness. Dr. Xan Banker guides listeners through reflective exercises and psychological insights to deepen self-understanding. It is the first in a series "What is the Self?" Keywordsself-identity, self-concept, psychology, resilience, self-awareness, mental health, personal growthKey TopicsThe difference between self-concept and self-esteemHow roles and relationships shape identityThe internal and external aspects of selfPsychological exercises to explore self-identityCultural influences on self-perceptionThe dynamic nature of the self like a riverThe impact of role loss on self-identityUnderstanding different selves: actual, ideal, fearedThe active role of self-concept in organizing experiencePractical steps to expand and strengthen self-identityChapters00:00 Understanding the Self: The Many Versions Within22:18 The River of Self-Concept: Change and Continuity24:04 Introduction to the Podcast24:35 Disclaimer on Mental Health Topics

SummaryThis episode explores the complex nature of boundaries from a psychodynamic and mentalizing perspective, emphasizing internal processes, common mistakes, and practical insights for setting healthy boundaries.Keywordsboundaries, mentalization, psychodynamic, self-protection, relationships, emotional safety, boundary setting, internal processesKey TopicsThe internal experience of boundary settingCommon mistakes in boundary settingThe role of mentalization in boundariesChapters00:00 Understanding Boundaries in Modern Culture10:36 The Challenge of Setting Boundaries16:32 Internal Conflicts and Boundary Struggles20:55 Understanding Boundaries in Caregiving23:39 Defining Boundaries: What They Are and Aren't26:29 Common Mistakes in Setting Boundaries31:14 Understanding Boundaries and Certainty32:58 Compassion vs. Tolerance in Relationships