Sean Healy: Tools

How are you showing up over the areas of your life? Does your business, job, career consistently get the best of you? If you end up over time giving all your energy, focus, attention, empathy and patience to your work environment then what comes home? Whilst listening to an episode of Esther Perel's podcast series How's Work, she mentioned the idea of work getting Best Self and home getting Worse Self or something to that effect. This to me fitted alongside the idea of Over Functioning at work and Under Functioning at home, just a different angle. I highly recommend both Esther's podcast series by the way! Even the most healthy personal relationships experience ups and downs. This means that we need to be mindful about what our personal life and those in it are getting from us. Home should be a place to rest, renew and drop the public persona. If however that is all we end up doing there then chances are things are going to decline. A certain amount of time, energy, joy and enthusiasm needs to be invested in a life area if we want it to continue to thrive. This episode looks at the danger of becoming polarised in how we show up in certain life areas. This area to me can be a real blindspot for some and I hope this episode helps.

Potentially the greatest place of leverage in having an even better life is in improving your relationship with yourself. We live with ourselves twenty-four hours a day, so would it be a terrible idea to prioritise self-work that helps you further develop an overall sense of positive self-regard? You can improve your sense of feeling that you are enough and at the same time recognise that you have areas to work on. What self-care routines work best for you and how consistent with them are you? Do you think about yourself and your life goals as much as you fixate on what others should and shouldn't be doing? Are you as organised as you could be? How do you use alcohol, drugs, business and relationships? There are a number of ways to continue to improve your relationship with yourself and when we do, we enhance our relationships with those around us and with life. This episode explores some of the aspects of improved self relating.

One of the key aspects that we should be learning from our family as we grow is how to be a healthy individual and also how to be healthily part of a family unit. The ability to move between selfness and togetherness, in a way that doesn't compromise us is powerful. However when we feel that closeness in the family is more like being swallowed up then we either run away in some form or perhaps resentfully comply. Enmeshed families can demand that closeness comes with conditions. Don't disturb how we do things here! Enmeshed families can demand that we all think the same, behave the same and don't call out any of the dysfunction you see. Guilt, shame and obligation become large aspects of how a family like this operates. This episode looks at some of the things that we can do to really begin to be in our family system in more genuinely loving ways. How do I be more myself around those who love me and work towards increasing my own sense of self-approval?

Tools Episode 163: Focusing On Others To Avoid Focusing On Self Sean Healy Download How can we spend more time being present for self and less in other people's business? One way to stay out of the anxiety of dealing with self is to spend all our time focusing on what others should be doing. If I am always fixated on how to help others then I get to avoid dealing with my issues.In Robin Norwood's excellent book Women Who Love To Much, she makes reference to the sunny side of control: “I will manage my anxiety by rescuing you, advising you and doing for you.” This can come with a great deal of approval from others and we get to look good. Whilst we may look good and get approval we may also be causing others to under function because we are doing for them what they actually could do for themselves.It can be challenging to watch others engage in areas of life that we are convinced we have a better way for them. We may feel that it is just easier and quicker to do it for them. This addresses the immediate stress but creates more in the long run.Many people who are chronic rescuers find that whilst they have all the answers for how others should live, they are baffled when it comes to themselves. It is important to take back self-focus, attend to one's own experience and tune into one's own emotional space and stick with it even if at first it is anxiety-provoking.

There are a number of factors that would appear to boost the chances of having a relationship that continues to be healthy and successful over time. One such element is the degree to which you continue to be aware of your partner's emotional experience. The longer we stay together the more likely that we will both change, grow and develop whether we intend to or not. The person you started in relationship with may not be exactly who you experience today. It is vital that we continue to invest interest and time into our partner. The more awareness and presence we can bring means we can avoid stumbling into relational blowups and being baffled as to "how did we get here?" Emotional attunement also allows us to put the brakes on when the challenging discussion is escalating into real damage to the relationship territory. It allows us to see when our partner is beginning their repair attempts and wanting to move back into relational harmony. It allows us to continue to be present for the moments of true love and intimacy.

There are so many distractions and responsibilities these days! One of the consequences is that, over time and often out of our awareness, we start to drift from our partner. Distance grows over time and connection can start to fade. This can mean that when inevitable challenges appear at our door or appear at the doors of those close to us, the relationship really experiences strain. Having fundamental positive regard for our partner, a genuine friendship with them is seen as one of the most base elements of long term successful relationships and weathering effectively life challenges. However, if we aren't spending time together focused on continuing to really know one another then we can be weakening our relationship even though that is absolutely not what we wanted. This episode looks at how important it is to not get too far apart from one another for too long unless we want to risk losing our relationship over time.

Sometimes we can get so focused on being right in an argument and snowing someone else with the undeniability of our rational position that we forget to be mindful of their experience. If you have ever had the experience of being intellectually trampled so to speak by someone in a conflict or negotiation situation and how that left you feeling, you will know what I mean. How willing are you to want to engage again with that person if another situation of challenge arises? The really good negotiators and conflict specialists focus not only on the challenge at present but also on affirming the relationships between parties so that we will be willing to fight again on another day. Disagreement isn't unhealthy and can even promote deeper understanding, intimacy and effective solutions. How we disagree and how we leave each other feeling can mean I win now but lose later. This can be especially true if as a result of confrontation with me, you refuse to want to engage again or hold back on crucial information going forward because I am now perceived as too unpleasant to deal with. This episode looks at some of these aspects and being mindful of relationships.

When we are setting boundaries and limits around our own behaviour this actually leads to more opportunities and freedom in the long run. If we don't set limits around for example consumption of food and alcohol, great fun short term but over time will weaken us and impact health as well as energy levels. How well am I actually being accountable to myself? Am I setting myself tasks to achieve and then finding loopholes or excuses so that my personal to-do list still seems to have the same jobs on it as a month ago or even longer, ha, ha! I sometimes find it easier to function and stay on track on behalf of others, but when it comes to doing for me I am always letting myself off the hook. This episode looks at how setting those self boundaries and then adhering to them consistently will result in us getting more of what we want in the long term.

Part of going after a meaningful goal is the things I am willing to give up in order to prioritise my goal. In the course of my career, I have had the privilege to have taught and worked with many successful people who have had to make certain sacrifices to get where they want to go. The effort becomes part of the reward if we have chosen what we will pursue wisely. It can be very challenging to fix your time, effort and resources on achieving something and when you get there, it doesn’t provide you with the personal payoff or payoffs you thought. I have personally achieved a number of things in my life that didn't actually provide for me all that I thought they would or the joy of achievement was short-lived. Time is of the essence and when goal setting we need to examine the drivers behind the goal. What will I choose to let go of in order to prioritise the selected goal and what structures need to be in place to achieve the goal? This episode explores some of these questions so that we can use the precious time we have available as effectively as possible.

What am I drawn to in others that grabs my attention in either positive or negative ways? Is what I am attracted to or repelled by in others actually an opportunity to acknowledge an aspect in myself. Through the process of growing up we may find that elements of our being have been under-expressed or not permitted due to the family system we grew up in. For example, I may find that I am drawn to and have a fascination with carefree, go with the flow people. Part of the fascination is a calling to acknowledge and allow myself to embrace my fun free, hedonistic self more fully than I have been doing. However, I may have grown up in a family system that overtly or covertly sent the message that hard work and seriousness were what was acceptable and valued by the family. Fun and enjoying life is trivial rather than of vital importance to developing the wholeness of self. On the flip side, if I find myself disapproving of the behaviour of another, I can ask myself ‘where am I doing the same thing in my life?’ You spot it, you got it type approach. This episode is about viewing others as an opportunity to turn the lens back on self so as to embrace and integrate a more complete self.