In Bed with Science: a Sex Podcast

If you’ve ever felt like there’s something wrong with you because of what you need to feel desire, how much desire you have, or what actually turns you on, it makes complete sense.We’ve all absorbed some very specific ideas about what “normal” sex should look like. These very ideas come up in my practice as a sex therapist all of the time, and they are part of what contributes to creating sexual problems in the first place.In this episode, we look at where your beliefs about sex come from, what’s shifted over the last 40 or so years — and what it all means for your desire and sex life today.We explore:How shame can shut down your desire for sexWhere your ideas about “good” and “bad” sex come from — and why society fears sex in the first placeThree ways cultural shame shows up in the bedroomHow much “normal” sex has changed since 1984Why what’s “acceptable” in bed depends on your gender — including how masturbation is judged differently for men and womenWhy BDSM is more common than you might think, yet still stigmatisedThe one thing society struggles with the mostWhat happens when shame stops you from even thinking about what you want — and why culture might be wrong about your desire, tooFree exerciseDownload the free exercise, Changing Sexual Beliefs, mentioned in this podcast episode, here. Articles in this episode:“Thinking Sex: Notes for a Radical Theory of the Politics of Sexuality”Published in Pleasure and Danger: Exploring Female Sexuality in 1984 by Gayle Rubin.Changes in American Adults’ Sexual Behavior and Attitudes, 1972–2012Published in Archives of Sexual Behavior in 2015 by Twenge, Sherman, and Wells.Later Life Sex and Rubin’s ‘Charmed Circle’Published in Sexuality & Culture in 2020 by Jones.A Systematic Scoping Review of the Prevalence, Etiological, Psychological, and Interpersonal Factors Associated with BDSMPublished in The Journal of Sex Research in 2020 by Brown, Barker, and Rahman.The Prevalence of BDSM in Finland and the Association between BDSM Interest and Personality TraitsPublished in The Journal of Sex Research in 2022 by Paarnio, Sandman, Källström, Johansson, and Jern.Revisiting the Charmed Circle: A Reflexive Examination of Unanswered Questions in the Infidelity LiteraturePublished in Social and Personality Psychology Compass in 2024 by Weiser and Shrout.“At least with cheating there is an attempt at monogamy”: Cheating and monogamism among undergraduate heterosexual menPublished in Journal of Social and Personal Relationships in 2010 by Anderson.Interested in my services? Check them out hereJoin my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

Around 20 to 30% of women struggle to orgasm during partnered sex. And while there are plenty of reasons that get talked about — relationship issues, technique, and types of sex — they don't necessarily explain why it's so inconsistent. Why sometimes you can come, sometimes you can't, and you can't for the life of you find the pattern.This week, I dig into a recent study that points to a factor most of us are barely looking at — and it might just be the missing piece.We explore:Why coming during partnered sex can be so inconsistent — and what the latest research can tell us about itThe surprising difference between inattentive and hyperactive-impulsive ADHD when it comes to orgasmic consistencyWhy orgasm requires sustained attention, and how our culture trains us out of the exact thing sex needs us to doThe link between neurodivergence and kink — and what it tells us about staying present during sexConcrete, science-backed ways to increase orgasm consistency during sex with a partner, ADHD symptoms or notTimestamps:03:47 — What the research found about ADHD and orgasms06:07 — Why your ADHD subtype matters for coming08:43 — Why presence during sex is so hard14:14 — How shame carries into the bedroom16:55 — Practical ways to stay present during sex17:46 — The surprising link between ADHD and kinkThe study in this episode:Exploring Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder Symptomatology in Relation to Women's Orgasmic ConsistencyPublished in the Journal of Sex Research by Jensen-Fogt and Pedersen.Interested in my services? Check them out hereJoin my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

When couples have been together for years, boredom can start to feel like something you have to accept. You love each other, but somewhere along the way, you start wondering whether the spark left because your partner became boring — or because the relationship did.In this episode, I dig into a study on self-expansion that offers a solution to that bordeom: curiosty. And the longer you've been together, the more important it may be to keep creating moments where you get to experience each other in new ways.We explore:Why knowing your partner so well can sometimes get in the way of wanting themWhy trying to recreate the honeymoon phase usually doesn't work — and what to do insteadHow self-expanding activities can support desire and satisfaction in long-term relationshipsWhat “doing something new together” can actually look like without grand gestures, weekends away, or turning your life upside downThe catch: why one interesting date night won't carry your desire for months, and what long-term desire requires over timeTimestamps:02:14 — What the research found05:54 — Why curiosity matters in long-term relationships08:44 — Novelty beyond sex and techniques14:16 — Why this matters more in longer relationships19:49 — Small ways to bring aliveness backThe study in this episode:Broadening Your Horizons: Self-Expanding Activities Promote Desire and Satisfaction in Established Romantic RelationshipsPublished in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology by Muise, Harasymchuk, Day, Bacev-Giles, Gere, and Impett.Interested in my services? Check them out hereJoin my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

This week's episode is a little different. I sat down with my cousin — Dr. Chloe Vites, a GP (doctor) based in the UK — and let her ask me all the questions people usually ask me at parties, on flights, and in the DMs.Things like: Why I became a sex therapist. What I actually do in session. What it was really like filming Married at First Sight: Sweden. And the things I wish couples knew before it's too late.In this episode, we explore:The moment at 17 that made me decide this was going to be my careerWhy I chose to specialise in low desire — and what most people get wrong about who actually struggles with low libidoWhat it was really like filming Married at First Sight: Sweden (GIft vid första ögonkastet) as one of three experts, and the parts that surprised me mostThe biggest myth about desire — and why the most common assumption keeps couples stuck for yearsWhat I wish couples in crisis knew (and why I really wish they wouldn't)How I talk to my own kids about sex — and important steps not to skipThe hardest part of my work — and it isn't the topics you'd expect01:16 — Why I became a sex therapist03:51 — Specialising in low desire06:28 — What sex therapy is really like08:31 — Filming Married at First Sight Sweden (GVFÖ XL)10:59 — The easiest & hardest parts of the job15:59 — Being a female therapist with male clients20:31 — How people react when they know my job (in dating & with acquaintances)23:59 — The hardest conversation about sex for couples28:02 — Talking to kids about sex (& how I talk to my own about it)32:12 — What I used to believe about sex33:30 — What people get wrong about desire37:38 — MAFS Sweden & analysing people as an occupational hazard40:41 — What I wish every couple knewInterested in my services? Check them out hereJoin my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

We've been taught that monogamy is the default because it's more satisfying, more "natural". But what if that's not actually what the research says?In this episode, I dig into a major new meta-analysis of 35 studies and nearly 25,000 people that compared relationship and sexual satisfaction across monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. The findings challenge a lot of what we've assumed — and what culture has been telling us for a very long time.If you've ever wondered whether opening up your relationship might fix a mismatched desire problem — I talk about why that question matters less than the reason you're asking it, from a sex-therapist lens.We explore:What a meta-analysis of nearly 25,000 people found about satisfaction in monogamous vs non-monogamous relationshipsThe uncomfortable truth about why we elevate monogamy — and what it protects us from having to look atHow non-monogamous individuals reported slightly higher trust, and what monogamous couples can learn from how non-monogamous relationships define boundariesWhen opening up a relationship can be running away from the problem — and how to tell the differenceWhat actually predicts satisfaction in a long-term relationshipTimestamps:02:51 — Opening up as a fear response03:49 — Main findings from the study08:27 — Monogamy doesn’t guarantee safety10:46 — Is it okay to flirt & where does the line go?14:59 — Why opening up may not solve the real issue17:48 — What predicts relationship satisfactionThe study in this episode:Countering the Monogamy-Superiority Myth: A Meta-Analysis of the Differences in Relationship Satisfaction and Sexual Satisfaction as a Function of Relationship Orientation. Published in The Journal of Sex Research in 2025.Interested in my services? Check them out hereJoin my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

A listener wrote in describing herself as a "well-scraped peanut butter jar" — nothing left to give sexually, and tired of trying.She'd had sex four days a week, spent evenings cuddling and massaging, and offered every kind of intimacy she could think of. Yet every week still brought sulking, silent treatment, and rejection tears.After two months of no sex, the pressure finally stopped — so she asked me: why would I ever go back?In this episode, I unpack what that relief is really telling us — and where to go from here.We explore:Why the relief of not having sex is usually relief from the pressure surrounding sex — and why that distinction is importantHow sulking, silent treatment, and emotional withdrawal are all examples of unhealthy relationship communication behaviours, and how they can make it impossible to say yes to sex freelyWhat happens when sex becomes a partner's primary way of feeling loved and important — and how that puts unsustainable pressure on the other personThe questions I'd ask if I were working with this couple, including when sex became this loaded and what the relationship looks like outside the bedroomWhat happens when sex becomes a partner's primary way of feeling loved — and the pressure that puts on the other partner The questions I'd ask if I were working with this couple, and why I wouldn't start with "how to get you to want more sex"Timestamps:01:46 – The Listener's Question02:24 – Why You're Depleted (And Why That Makes Sense)04:18 – "Why Would I Ever Go Back?" — The Real Question05:20 – The Relief Isn't About Sex — It's About Pressure06:12 – What the Absence of Fighting Really Means07:50 – Understanding the Behaviours: Sulking, Stonewalling & Withdrawal10:19 – The Gottman Four Horsemen & Sexual Rejection13:04 – Why "Just Try Harder" Fails the Low-Desire Partner14:21 – What I Would Do If I Were Your Sex Therapist17:41 – The Key Question: Do You Want to Want Sex Again?18:59 – The Path Forward: Removing Pressure Before Rebuilding22:58 – Summary & Takeaways26:09 – Outro & Working with meInterested in my services? Check them out hereJoin my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

Difficulty orgasming isn’t always about you. At least, not in the way you might think.In this minisode of In Bed with Science, I’m talking about one of the less discussed reasons orgasm can become harder with a partner: when your orgasm starts to feel like proof that they’re good at sex.Orgasms aren’t gifts.And when your partner’s care, effort or disappointment becomes part of the experience, pleasure can quickly turn into pressure.In this episode, we explore:Why “giving” someone an orgasm can be an unhelpful way to think about sexHow a partner’s investment in your orgasm can make it harder to relaxWhy pressure and self-monitoring can get in the way of pleasureWhat to do when orgasm has become the goal of sexYour orgasm isn’t a performance review of your partner’s skills. And it isn’t the only proof that sex was good.Interested in my services? Check them out hereJoin my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

AI is being turned to as a replacement for therapy. As a sex therapist who specialises in low libido, I wanted to know - can it actually help with something as nuanced as low sex drive in a marriage?So I put it to the test. I pretended to be a typical client of mine - a woman in a long-term relationship, struggling with low desire and shame around her turn-ons - and turned to both a trained mental health bot and ChatGPT to see what they got right, what they got wrong, and what most people would never notice was missing.We look at what the research says about AI's accuracy in sexual & mental health, why feeling understood isn't necessarily the same as actually being understood, and where AI genuinely helps versus where it might make things like low libido and relationship issues worse.In this episode, we explore:What the research reveals about how AI chatbots actually perform on sexual health and therapy scenariosThe results of my own experiment pretending to be a client struggling with low sex drive and shame around what turns her onHow AI tends to over-validate, skip the questions a sex therapist would ask, and offer solutions before it knows youHow AI can sneakily reinforce the very patterns that create low desire and sexual problems in marriage in the first placeWhen AI is a useful thought partner for relationship and sex issues, and when it falls short of what real therapy does02:44 - My Bias as a Therapist (Let's Be Honest) 06:13 - What the Research Says: AI Chatbot Studies 08:20 - The Experiment: Testing an AI Therapy Bot 11:46 - Test 1 – The Mental Health Bot 13:24 - Test 2 – ChatGPT 20:04 - What ChatGPT Got Wrong 22:03 - Why AI Can't Replace the Therapeutic Relationship 25:54 - AI vs. Self-Help Books: Is It the Same? 31:24 - Final Takeaway: When AI Helps & When It Falls Short Today's studies:Evaluation of Artificial Intelligence Chatbots for Providing Sexual Health Information: A Consensus Study Using Real-World Clinical QueriesPublished in BMC Public Health in 2025.A Comparison of Responses from Human Therapists and LLM-Based ChatbotsPublished in JMIR Mental Health in 2025.The Ability of AI Therapy Bots to Set Limits With Distressed AdolescentsPublished in JMIR Mental Health in 2025.Interested in my services? Check them out hereJoin my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

We've all heard it before: "Men always want sex". They’re simple and always raring to go.As a sex therapist specialising in low libido and mismatched desire, I know the toll these kinds of myths can take on the individual and the relationship at large. In this minisode, I break down one of the most common myths about male sexuality — and how it contributes to low desire, performance pressure, and shame.Interested in my services? Check them out hereJoin my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

Low desire in women is often treated as a hormonal problem or a relationship one.But what if the problem isn’t low libido persay, but rather a lost connection to your body?In this episode, I talk to psychologist and leading sex researcher Dr. Lori Brotto about the science of mindfulness and why it’s become one of the most effective psychological treatments for low desire and arousal in women.We discuss how mindfulness improves sexual wellbeing, why physical arousal and mental desire don’t always match, and why pills designed to “fix” low desire often fall short.We explore:What mindfulness actually is — and why it’s often misunderstoodWhy improving body awareness (interoception) can influence desireThe research behind mindfulness-based sex therapyWhy physical arousal and mental desire don’t always alignThe limits of medications designed to treat low desireThe role of shame and self-criticism in sexual difficultiesWhy relationship therapy alone often doesn’t resolve sexual problemsWhere to start if you’re curious about using mindfulness to reconnect with desire02:31 - How Dr. Lori Brotto Got Into Sex Research05:29 - What Is Mindfulness, Really?14:34 - How Mindfulness Works for Low Desire18:11 - Arousal Non-Concordance (& Why It Matters?)21:49 - The Problem with Pharmaceutical Solutions24:59 - Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire29:22 - Why Relationship Therapy Alone Often Isn't Enough30:46 - The Mirror Exercise & Confronting Shame33:18 - How Often Should You Practice Mindfulness?37:06 - Mindfulness for Neurodivergent People40:49 - What If You Hate Mindfulness?42:28 - The Hope Effect & Reducing Distress43:34 - Mindfulness Research On Men46:26 - The Importance of Women's Sexual Health Research48:57 - Closing Thoughts: Interoception, Self-Compassion & Why Sexual Health MattersPapers mentioned in this episode: Effects of Group Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy versus Supportive Sex Education on Sexual Concordance and Sexual Response Among Women with Sexual Interest/Arousal DisorderMindfulness-Based Sex Therapy Improves Genital-Subjective Arousal Concordance in Women With Sexual Desire/Arousal DifficultiesGroup mindfulness-based therapy significantly improves sexual desire in womenHomework adherence in mindfulness-based cognitive interventions for female sexual dysfunction: a scoping reviewInterested in my services? Check them out hereJoin my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link