Be the Change in Your Marriage

Reclining theatre seats, a tub of popcorn (which I usually dump a pack of peanut m&ms into- rapture!) and the Barbie movie with my home girls! (My mom, daughter and one friend 😁) Did you see it?  I’d love to hear your take on it.I was excessively diverted 🤓.   There was incredible wit and artistry in the visual details as well as the acting.  It moved me to tears from both giant belly laughs and genuine poignant emotion, which was a beautiful surprise. What I thought would be frothy and frivolous fiction turned out to be deeply moving.  Other people can talk about the balance of power in the world.  I want to talk about your own balancing act of loving yourself and your husband.I know I questioned my role as I watched the movie and resonated with so many of the difficulties that we face as women and what a challenging job we have to, as was said in the movie, “tie ourselves in knots” for the people around us.   So I questioned as I watched, “Are my teachings truly serving women? Am I showing up in a way that’s going to benefit them or am I just adding impossibly more to their already full plate?  And here’s what finally came to me: There’s a false dichotomy presented in the movie.  The idea that you are either living out your dreams and fulfilling your purpose- becoming President or winning the Nobel Prize, or you're dressed as a maid, and handing your man a brewski, as if those are two mutually exclusive options or pathways to choose from.  But that notion is as fake as Barbie’s unattainable proportions. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit bethechangeinyourmarriage.substack.com

Insights from an excerpt of THE 80/80 MARRIAGE by Nate Klemp PH.D. and Kaley KlempEvery so often (with about the frequency that someone besides you replaces the toilet paper roll), a certain turn of phrase is able to shift the dusty cumbersome furniture in your well-entrenched mind parlor, revealing something your innermost being has always known which had but awaited the illumination of your recognition, much like the opulent treasures concealed within Tutankhamun's tomb had awaited centuries to be unveiled.Such was the case when I read the following quote by Gay Hendricks: “In all times and in every way, we are getting exactly what we’re committed to getting.”  Wait. Whaaaaaat?(In conjunction with the brilliant commentary of Nate and Kaley Klemp in their excellent book, THE 80/80 MARRIAGE…)There’s no way I’m committed to getting no understanding or warmth from my husband and no help around the house!Perhaps not. But taking responsibility is the ONLY POSITION OF POWER.  You’ll get the greatest results in love and life when you adopt the uncomfy view that you are responsible for the results you’ve gotten so far.  Look.  I don’t believe that every rotten thing that has happened to you is your fault, or that you need to spend any time beating yourself up over your mistakes.  Nor do I want you to assume responsibility to the effect that you feel paralyzed by the overwhelming size of it.  What would be the point of that? But what if you took a curious, loving yet detached look at the aspects of your life you’re disappointed about and said, “What if somehow I am committed to those undesirable results?”  Nate and Kaley Klemp, in THE 80/80 MARRIAGE, ask you to lead with that assumption, not because it’s true, but because the thought experiment will lead you to priceless and indispensable insights. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit bethechangeinyourmarriage.substack.com

You will never forget the way he looked at you on your wedding day.  The way he just let the vision of you soak in, as if looking at you was the only item on his to-do list, and all he required for sustenance.  During those heady days, he honored you, he delighted in you, he listened, and your thoughts mattered to him. You loved his energy, his enthusiasm and his decisiveness which picked up where yours left off.  Sex was easy, desirable and fulfilling. Then the children came, and you were so excited for the shared love of your little ones to make your relationship even closer and more meaningful.You weren’t prepared for how parenthood would change the playing field, and how the demands suddenly exceeded your capacity.  You needed him to anticipate your needs and be inquisitive as he used to be.  You tried subtle, and not-so-subtle ways to let him know that you felt like you were drowning, but instead of being responsive, he would spit out some trite advice, making it your fault, and go find something else to do. He was no longer the loving, attentive man you married, and gradually your life’s forecast became cloudy and dismal.  You had eagerly promised to live out your life with him, but you certainly weren’t making your vows to this new selfish, inconsiderate, distant version. Your feelings began to cool toward him.  With each unsuccessful attempt to communicate, your faith and your optimism flagged.  Every time you thought about reaching out to him, your brain said, “What’s the point?” So you tried to push those thoughts aside and focus on keeping busy and meeting your children’s needs instead.  Your life began to lose its luster.  It became more difficult to get out of bed.  Though you tried to push these realities aside and barrel ahead with your “duties”, creeping thoughts of divorce became more and more frequent, because of the tiny glimmerings of hope you felt imagining a second chance to find a better man and a truer romance.  However you don’t feel quite right about moving ahead.  Your feelings don’t seem like a compelling enough reason to disrupt your children’s stability and dismantle a family structure which, however shaky, took years of effort to build.  So you’re in limbo.  Taking each day as it comes, and living a kind of half life in which you don’t tell your husband a fraction of what occupies your mind and heart, and try to distract yourself from the deep feelings of disappointment you have in your life.  What happens next? We'll explore some possibilities in this episode.Message me "INFO" to learn more ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹You deserve all the love and happiness you can hold. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit bethechangeinyourmarriage.substack.com

My heart is full today. I recently finished such an inspiring book that encompasses the message I’ve been trying to express all this time with such clarity, and such humor.As Cheryl McClary, author of THE COMMITMENT CHRONICLES, so delightfully tells us, (actually I won’t share her words yet, I’ll share what’s coming from me after feeling her wisdom wash over me): If you’re going around being bummed out because you don’t like your husband, you have been handed a priceless gift: What?! Ok Summer, now you’ve boarded the bus to Mooncakeland. How can disliking my husband possibly be anything but one of life’s stinkiest dumpster fires? I mean, I’m stuck with him.Find out all about this great gift in this episode...Let me share how Dr. McClary summarized her complaints about her husband.  You’re going to love this.  • He is in touch with his feelings only when he gets a headache.• He believes his "feminine side" refers to hismaternal relatives.• He thinks The Celestine Prophecy is a topless danceron Bourbon Street.• He assumes The Road Less Traveled is the interstate under construction.Do any of those sound familiar?  So after years of feeling disappointed with his cluelessness, She experienced a wonderful moment of awakening she described like this:“Jim is completely happy. He just wants everything to stay the same, which means I keep doing all I can to please him and make his happiness my main goal in life. No wonder he's so damn content! I would be, too. I am going to have to be the change agent.”“I had to take control of the situation. I was the one who was unhappy. I was the one who wanted a better relationship.” Learn more about how she did it in this amusing episode.Stay tuned, because this is going to be the great mission of my exciting, (and ridiculously affordable) upcoming offering: supporting each other through flipping our scripts, building our bliss, and lovingly offering our dear husbands a clue.  It is going to be more fun than a stack of novels, a trough of muddy buddies and no one else at home.  No. Now I'm overhyping.  Nothing beats that.  But it’s going to be fabulous!  We’ll leave it at that. DM me "WAITLIST" on Instagram to get all the updates ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹.You deserve all the love and happiness you can hold.Source: THE COMMITMENT CHRONICLES by Cheryl McClary, Ph.D., J.D. Top Shelf Press This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit bethechangeinyourmarriage.substack.com

Last Sunday I got mildly annoyed with my husband for not making more of an effort to pitch in and move things along so we could get to church on time.  He’s been wonderfully involved before, helping little kids get ready, etc.,  but has had a lot on his mind lately.  And my bad, I didn't bother to ask.  I missed the sacrament- my most important weekly ritual of spiritual renewal.  I was a bit down in the dumps as we drove.  Not a fun traveling companion.  Well, let’s be real.  As the consummate introvert, I’m never the life of the party, but you get the idea.  Haven’t you done it yourself, hoping your downcast eyes would give him a clue? But I know that always backfires.  So I just observed my feelings, monitored my thoughts, didn’t arrive at anything helpful to say and let it pass.  In this episode you can hear all about what happened next...Stop mistreating and denying yourself in the hopes that your family will take pity on you.  Instead, treat yourself as the queen that you are and watch your family follow suit. I want to see you have a joyful, loving Mother’s Day that’s full of gratitude and delight.  So please don’t wait around and hope that it happens.  Decide right now that it’s going to, and clear out any logistical and mental obstacles. If you have any questions and concerns around that, by all means, send them my way in the instagram chat!I’ve been a little quiet on social media because I’m in building mode, and so excited for my upcoming offers.  But I’m always happy to chat and be educated about all the different circumstances you beautiful seekers are dealing with.And will you do me a favor?  I’m sure you know another mama who could benefit from this episode, so please send her the link with some love!  I’d be so happy for this episode to reach as many mamas as possible! This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit bethechangeinyourmarriage.substack.com

When we roll through the experience of noticing our blessings and feeling those feelings of enjoying, cherishing, and holding gratitude for what we have, we are strengthening the electromagnetic pull for additional enjoyment, cherishing and gratitude. We can feel it building upon itself as we consciously hold it, examine it and relish it. The snowball is an old metaphor, but for a reason, so don’t skip over it. Live into the snowball with me for a moment. The beauty in our lives, and our sense of it, sticks to itself, packs it on, gathers momentum and becomes larger and larger. Do you feel that? It is a real universal law. And it goes BOTH WAYS. Can you picture a snowball rolling back and forth in something of a concave cradle? Imagine that the cradle is settled into the top of a mountain, and on one side is the pull of your joy, and on the other is the pull of your despair. You are the snowball. You are rolling back and forth in this container, and one thought is ready to tip you over the top and send you careening down one side of the mountain or the other, packing on either the happiness or the despair. The negativity also gets sticky and packs more of itself on. In just the way you can use one piece of Play-Doh® to press and pick up all the other little crumbs of it your kids left on the table, one sticky negative thought puts feelers out for another, until your whole emotional windshield is splattered with squashed bugs and you can’t see a blessed thing. (Me and my mixed and also excessive metaphors. Apologies🙄)Just last week, my little snowball started tumbling down the bad side. It happens. And we need to bring our awareness to it. I had encountered a lull in my business, and my belief in myself and my future was gradually eroding. My optimism had dialed back and my positive snowball had settled into a plateau, leaving me vulnerable. I was teetering, and began a slow negative roll. Thoughts about just how goshdarn hard everything was, became very sticky, and piled on. Now when I looked at my husband, the little things that disappointed me were more glaring. It was as if my negatively charged ions were attracting his negatively charged characteristics. I’m just making stuff up, beauties, I know nothing about science, but I could observe what was happening inside me. (No, we don’t have a perfect marriage, but we are perfectly committed to working things through, which is better than perfect, as it’s an ideal container for growth. Anyway…) When we needed to make some logistical adjustments that left me with less effective work time, I found myself weeping. You can hear the rest of the story in this episode. Thanks for staying with me this far,Beautiful, I am so excited about what I am building for you behind the scenes right now. I have definitely switched to positive momentum and it’s spiraling! In the next couple of months I will have something amazing to offer you, so please stay tuned for updates. If you're not on my email list, please sign up here so you don't miss a thing!You deserve all the love and happiness you can hold. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit bethechangeinyourmarriage.substack.com

Have you noticed how much of a buzz catch phrase “healthy boundaries” has become?  I notice a great deal of emphasis being placed on looking out for oneself- and that’s not a bad thing at all, but little is made of the experience of the person on the receiving end of the boundary- especially if the person has been sorted by a pop psychology label.  It’s as if once they’ve been tagged as a “such and such”, they’re thought less worthy of consideration.James “Fish” Gill, Heart Coach, and self-proclaimed “conflict nerd,” has pointed this out. He is fascinated by human connection: how it is generated, and how it erodes over time with unskillful interactions.  The day I stumbled across his Instagram account , was a fortuitous day indeed, and if you’re not following him already, do it with a quickness, because he will infuse your feed with sweet, full-bodied, heart broadening wisdom.   In the wonderful episode of The Shared Road Podcast I listened to, hosted by Carly McDowell, called Setting Boundaries that Stick, 'Fish' explains that he has asked his audience how they feel when they’re on the receiving end of a boundary, and the response was unanimously negative.  How do you feel when someone you love has called you out on an “unacceptable” behavior and informed you that you're expected to change in order to maintain the relationship or stay in that person’s good graces?  Shamed? Belittled?  Blamed?  Rejected?  Unseen?  Misunderstood? Angry?  Defensive?That’s most often how a boundary is received, because it places the receiver in the wrong- in a place of disapproval like a child who’s “in trouble”.   In setting a boundary, we are making a statement about ourselves, indicating that we are not ok with some action of another.  It’s a dangerous game, am I right? It feels, fraught with peril, especially for us introverts.But with a bit of “heartful” reflection, it doesn’t have to be.  Fortunately, that is exactly the area where we introverts shine.  Through the gift of this deliberate pondering, we can express a boundary in a way that’s a win for both parties.And this episode will help you start.Please listen to the full interview with James 'Fish' Gill here. And check out his amazing group coaching offerings, one coming right up next month.You are warmly invited to our free Facebook group, The Marriage Saving Society for Introverted Moms, which contains numerous trainings and resources to leverage your unique gifts in managing what can sometimes feel unmanageable. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹You deserve all the love and happiness you can hold- and love digs deep ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹.If you liked this episode please consider leaving a review or sharing. Thank you! This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit bethechangeinyourmarriage.substack.com

What would it look like if the next action you took was purely for someone’s benefit?  What if you looked at them and every desire of your heart was to see relief pouring over them or the beaming of sudden joy, or to embrace them until they had no doubt of your love?  What if that person was you?  What would be happening?  What would you be doing or saying?  What can you do right now, in this moment to offer yourself relief, sudden joy or the reassurance of love and your shining worth?  What is it that stands in the way?  Do you feel undeserving?  Overwhelmed? Numb?  I send you love.  Please put your hand on your heart and receive it. Breathe it deeply in.  If you are hearing this, you are loved more than you can possibly conceive of, and no matter what you’ve done or said, you richly, infinitely, deserve that love. This work can get lonely and life can get "lifey". Join our community here and get access to more detailed live trainings, worksheets and journal prompts. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit bethechangeinyourmarriage.substack.com

I want to encourage you to take more frequent phone breaks, and not just for the obvious reasons.What are the obvious reasons?  The obvious reasons are that it blocks out opportunities to interact and deepen your connection.  It takes the place of exchanges you might naturally fall into together.As Dr. Matt Townsend recently mentioned on Instagram, (& no the irony there is not lost on me) “Stop distracting yourself to death. You are sitting on the couch next to the most important person in your life and you’re distracted by the phone or the game.”A slightly less obvious reason is that it distracts you from feelings you need to dive into, process, learn from and express.  If you go for the immediate dopamine hit and numb your feelings on TikTok instead of sitting down with your journal and free writing:  “Why did I get so triggered and suddenly get sarcastic when he said he didn’t want to go to my parents’ for dinner?” You are denying yourself the vital messages for growth and self support that your feelings are straining and sweating to transmit to you, and the next time the trigger is applied, the sarcasm will shoot out again, possibly resulting in a relationship battering knock down drag out.And an even less obvious and more pervasive reason is...Message me here for questions and occasional advice.Join us in the free Facebook group for weekly trainings and resources.Quotes from Dr. Matt Townsend and Eve Dineen, Board Certified Behavior Analyst This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit bethechangeinyourmarriage.substack.com

I want to talk about what to do when he pulls away.  And it just might involve getting "selfish".  And I don’t necessarily mean dropping a couple grand for a spa day or buying yourself Stuart Weitzman heels, though if that's your thing, go for it!  I’ve just been reading the brilliant classic book THE DANCE OF INTIMACY by Dr. Harriet Goldhor Lerner and my highlighter pen is relinquishing its life in a consecrated quest to capture the profundity.It explains so much of what I strive to be about and to help you with, in a better way than I’ve ever been able to.Does the following quote not speak so succinctly to the mission and movement of Be the Change in Your Marriage? (Dr. Lerner from the book:) “Pushing a partner to change is about as effective as trying to make friends with a squirrel by chasing it.”Honestly, though, every time we reactively push for a different behavior from our husbands, we only get a more heaping dose of samesies.When our anxiety is high around a certain issue, we tend to either overfunction, as in calling the shots, taking over, focusing on the other person in an energy of worry or anger and becoming overly responsible, or we underfunction, distancing ourselves, freezing, ignoring and avoiding.And get this: none of it is bad or wrong!  Listen to this quote: “Overfunctioning, underfunctioning, fighting, pursuing, distancing, and child-focus or other-focus are normal, patterned ways to manage anxiety.  One way is not better or more virtuous than another.”So how do we close the distance with a spouse who’s ignoring us?This episode will give you some ideas.  To participate in a live group training this week on the same topic with accompanying worksheets, join us in this group.Message me here for questions and advice.REFERENCE: THE DANCE OF INTIMACY by Dr. Harriet Goldhor Lerner  This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit bethechangeinyourmarriage.substack.com