Romance of the Two Networks

The networks, long divided, must unite. If Netflix is willing to drop eight figures to distribute the new Dynasty Warriors movie in the US, by god we're here to cover it. Wonder at Boy Band Guan Yu, Businessman Lu Bu, and Xuande Being Here Despite Doing Nothing. This movie is not very good. But being back with friends to talk about an amazing story? That's fantastic. If you want to contact us on Twitter, Em is at @em_being, Jackson is at @headfallsoff, Jen is at @jbu3, and Six is at @sixdettmar. Our art is made by @saltysprout! The intro music for this episode is Fate Corrodes Me from Dynasty Warriors 3, and our outtro music is Lu Bu's Theme from Warriors Orochi. The Kingdom News bumper is from Strong Bad Email #89.

And so the kingdom, long divided, unites. No more Wu and Wei, nor Shu or Han. The Jin Dynasty rises to chart a new future for China. Or... an old future. Because, of course, this all happened a very long time ago. Villains or heroes, the figures of the Three Kingdoms live on as legends, for future generations to wonder upon. We take your questions, and then the two networks, long united, divide. If you want to contact us on Twitter, Em is at @em_being, Jackson is at @headfallsoff, Jen is at @jbu3, and Six is at @sixdettmar. Our art is made by @saltysprout! The intro music for this episode is the Jin Overture from Dynasty Warriors 7, and our outtro music is History's Long Shadow from Total War: Three Kingdoms. The Kingdom News bumper is from Strong Bad Email #89.

This isn't the end of the Kingdom of Shu, but we can see it from here. Wei's forces have kicked down the door, and Emperor Shan twittles his thumbs even as the blade nears his neck. Jiang Wei remains incapable of winning a meaningful victory, and Wu's forces clearly won't arrive in time to save their allies. Next week, the last episode of Three Kingdoms. It all comes down to this. If you want to contact us on Twitter, Em is at @em_being, Jackson is at @headfallsoff, Jen is at @jbu3, and Six is at @sixdettmar. Our art is made by @saltysprout! The intro music for this episode is the Paragon Found from the Total War: Three Kingdoms DLC A World Betrayed, and our outtro music is The Bringer of War from Dynasty Warriors 5. The Kingdom News bumper is from Strong Bad Email #89. The end of the podcast is RAPIDLY APPROACHING! Please send your emails to [email protected] !

After this episode, two weeks remain until the end, and yet... there are still three kingdoms. The podcast, long united, is now divided. Jackson knows the end for sure, having read it already. Em knows the end rather generally from remembering... well, history. Six FEELS like they know the end, but the book has a habit of proving them wrong. And Jen is, wisely, taking a wait and see. This week on Two Networks: There's No Good Way To Kill An Emperor. If you want to contact us on Twitter, Em is at @em_being, Jackson is at @headfallsoff, Jen is at @jbu3, and Six is at @sixdettmar. Our art is made by @saltysprout! The intro music for this episode is the trailer music from the Total War: Three Kingdoms DLC A World Betrayed, and our outtro music is Eve from Dynasty Warriors 4. The Kingdom News bumper is from Strong Bad Email #89. The end of the podcast is RAPIDLY APPROACHING! Please send your emails to [email protected] !

Deng Ai, my guy! Another Wei genius tactician arrives to foil the extremely fallible Jiang Wei. He has his work cut out for him as Wei is repeatedly invaded, suffering civil wars, coups, and more. I am afraid I also have to offer a CONTENT WARNING for GORE because there's some really messed up stuff in this involving a dude who gets very, very stressed out. If you want to contact us on Twitter, Em is at @em_being, Jackson is at @headfallsoff, Jen is at @jbu3, and Six is at @sixdettmar. Our art is made by @saltysprout! The intro music for this episode is Swordsmen in the Plain from Dynasty Warriors 5, and our outtro music is Rising Fire from Total War: Three Kingdoms. The Kingdom News bumper is from Strong Bad Email #89. The end of the podcast is RAPIDLY APPROACHING! Please send your emails to [email protected] !

It is Sima's time, though Yi will not live to see it. Jiang Wei is a Jiang Waste of space, Sun Quan finally passes away, Cao Rui bites the dust, the bodies are droppin y'all. More pointless invasions that don't go anywhere, more politicking, and the reveal of Chekhov's Ten Arrow Bow. If you want to contact us on Twitter, Em is at @em_being, Jackson is at @headfallsoff, Jen is at @jbu3, and Six is at @sixdettmar. Our art is made by @saltysprout! The intro music for this episode is the Title Screen Theme, and our outtro music the Ending Theme, from Romance of the Three Kingdoms NES. The Kingdom News bumper is from Strong Bad Email #89. The end of the podcast is RAPIDLY APPROACHING! Please send your emails to [email protected] !

KONGMING IS DEAD! And yet, his shadow looms eternal over this book. No sorry I'm not being metaphorical, people are probably gonna be revealing that that MFer told them what to do for the next fifteen chapters. And then the book will be OVER! Oh well. Cao Rui continues to disappoint, Shu's Stay At Home Emperor gets worried, the stars say you're done son. If you want to contact us on Twitter, Em is at @em_being, Jackson is at @headfallsoff, Jen is at @jbu3, and Six is at @sixdettmar. Our art is made by @saltysprout! The intro music for this episode is Spring Water from Romance of the Three Kingdoms XIV, and our outtro music is Traveling from Romance of the Three Kingdoms X. The Kingdom News bumper is from Strong Bad Email #89.

It seems like Kongming is on his way out, but the man's never done anything quietly, so why would he die without making a fuss? The propaganda is pretty unsubtle this week as our illustrious author finds ways to praise every single one of Kongming's actions, up to and including his running away with his tail between his legs. The wooden bulls and shit were pretty cool, though. If you want to contact us on Twitter, Em is at @em_being, Jackson is at @headfallsoff, Jen is at @jbu3, and Six is at @sixdettmar. Our art is made by @saltysprout! The intro music for this episode is Hegemony, and our outtro music is Diao Chan, A Hero. Both are from Romance of the Three Kingdoms IV: Wall of Fire. The Kingdom News bumper is from Strong Bad Email #89.

It's Two Networks time, but we've swapped out one of the networks! Six and Jen from Scanline Media are joined by strategy and tactics expert, games journalist and media critic Rowan Kaiser, representing Idle Thumbs by way of Three Moves Ahead. With her expertise in tow, we delve deeper than ever into Total War: Three Kingdoms, talking serious shop about the latest (and greatest?) Total War game, and a spectacular Three Kingdoms title. WARNING: There are some spoilers for Three Kingdoms the book in here, past the point that we've read. Frankly they sailed right over my head, I couldn't really make sense of them =P but they are there if you seek to remain pure. If you want to contact us on Twitter, Jen is at @jbu3, Six is at @sixdettmar, and Rowan is at @RowanKaiser. Our art is made by @saltysprout! The intro music for this episode is Heaven Awaits, and our outtro music is The Promise of Tomorrow. Both are from Total War: Three Kingdoms.

This week, Shu and Wei are at each other's throats nonstop. Sun Quan declares himself emperor, then watches the other two kingdoms fight while eating popcorn. Sima Yi ALMOST does it with a WILD plan (just stand. don't chase.) but his generals can't quite pull it off. The chapter title of 99 straight up lies about what happens in that chapter, and the shine continues to fall off the Kongming train. RIP to Zhao Zilong, a fuckin real one. If you want to contact us on Twitter, Em is at @em_being, Jackson is at @headfallsoff, Jen is at @jbu3, and Six is at @sixdettmar. Our art is made by @saltysprout! The intro music for this episode is The Battle on the Phoenix Height from the 2008 film Three Kingdoms: Resurrection of the Dragon, and our outtro music is Harvest from Romance of the Three Kingdoms X. The Kingdom News bumper is from Strong Bad Email #89.