Myopia Movies

A movie about a songwriter who is too shy to sing, solved by putting her on a bar in wet jeans. Violet Sanford flees New Jersey for Manhattan with a demo tape and roughly nine dollars, gets robbed, gets hired at a saloon whose entire business model is "hydrate the patrons against their will," and discovers that the cure for stage fright is a crowd of drunk men chanting. Meanwhile her father drives down from the Garden State to yell about it, and Adam Garcia keeps showing up like a Australian golden retriever who learned to make omelets. Bruckheimer looked at Flashdance, said "what if less plot and more hose," and cashed a check. We're here for the fire code violations, the LeAnn Rimes of it all, and the moment John Goodman quietly outacts the entire soundtrack. Also: nobody in this bar is ever served a drink. We counted. Can you fight the moonlight? Findings inside. How will Coyote Ugly hold up? Directed by David McNally Starring: Piper Perabo, Adam Garcia, John Goodman, Maria Bello, Izabella Miko, Tyra Banks, Bridget Moynahan, Melanie Lynskey

We're digging into the vault for this one. The Plastics are back, Gretchen is still trying to make fetch happen, and so are we. Join us as we revisit our take on the 2004 teen comedy that somehow became both a cultural touchstone and a Broadway musical — because Hollywood ran out of ideas and humility. Does Mean Girls hold up? Is Regina George actually the hero? Why does a grown adult math teacher have this many emotional breakdowns? We had questions in [original year]. We have more questions now. Remastered for clarity. The opinions are messier than ever. How will Mean Girls hold up? Directed by Mark Waters Starring Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams, Lacey Chabert, Amanda Seyfried, Lizzy Caplan, Daniel Franzese, Jonathan Bennett, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Rajiv Surendra  

This week on Myopia Movie, we got a full moon coming up! We watched Ginger Snaps, where a Canadian teenager gets bitten by a werewolf on the same night she gets her first period...turns out puberty was always kind of a horror movie, we just needed the claws to make it official. Want to pick a movie we do an episode on and record a special commentary just for you? Purchase something from our wish list! We are riffers on Cineprov! Check us out!! How will Ginger Snaps hold up? Directed by John Fawcett Starring: Emily Perkins, Katharine Isabelle, Kris Lemche, Mimi Rogers, Jesse Moss

Two California teens dig a hole in the backyard looking for a swimming pool and instead unearth a frozen Neanderthal, thaw him out with a hair dryer, and enroll him in high school. It works about as well as you'd expect. Brendan Fraser grunts his way through his big-screen debut as "Link," Pauly Shore is somehow the film's moral center, and Sean Astin plays a guy who just wants everyone to respect the Pleistocene. We dig into the movie's truly deranged internal logic (nobody calls the Smithsonian?), the early-90s obsession with turning "weird outsider" into "coolest kid at school" in under 90 minutes, and whether this counts as anthropology if you squint hard enough. Bring your own hair dryer. How will Encino Man hold up? Want to pick a movie we do an episode on and record a special commentary just for you? Purchase something from our wish list! We are riffers on Cineprov! Check us out!! Here are the film credits for Encino Man (1992): Director: Les Mayfield Cast: Sean Astin as Dave Morgan Brendan Fraser as Link (Linkovitch Chomofsky) Pauly Shore as Stanley "Stoney" Brown Megan Ward as Robyn Sweeney Robin Tunney as Ella Michael DeLuise as Matt Wilson Mariette Hartley as Joan Morgan Richard Masur as Ed Morgan Rick Ducommun as Mr. Morris    

This week on Myopia Movie, we got a candy-coated murder cover-up coming up! We watched Jawbreaker, where three impossibly glamorous high school mean girls accidentally kill their best friend with a birthday prank gone wrong and then spend the rest of the movie handling it with all the grace and subtlety you'd expect from teenagers who peaked in the "Flawless" clique... turns out 1999 had a lot of feelings about popularity, and somehow all of them involve Judy Greer stealing every scene she's in. Want to pick a movie we do an episode on and record a special commentary just for you? Purchase something from our wish list! We are riffers on Cineprov! Check us out!! How will Jawbreaker hold up? Directed by Darren Stein Starring: Rose McGowan, Rebecca Gayheart, Julie Benz, Judy Greer, Rose Marie, Pam Grier

This week on Myopia Movies, we got a yearbook coming up! We watched Can't Hardly Wait, where a lovesick teenager spends an entire graduation party trying to work up the nerve to talk to his crush...turns out 1998 had a lot of feelings about the last day of high school and a surprising number of them involve Jerry Springer references. Want to pick a movie we do an episode on and record a special commentary just for you? Purchase something from our wish list! We are riffers on Cineprov! Check us out!! How will Can't Hardly Wait hold up? Directed by Harry Elfont, Deborah Kaplan Starring: Ethan Embry, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Charlie Korsmo, Lauren Ambrose, Peter Facinelli, Seth Green, Jerry O'Connell, Melissa Joan Hart

Before he was terminating cyborgs or governing California, Arnold Schwarzenegger was just a well-oiled Austrian oak with a plan and a truly alarming amount of confidence. This week we strap into George Butler and Robert Fiore's landmark bodybuilding documentary, where men in tiny shorts pursue "aesthetics" with the single-minded devotion usually reserved for religious orders. We'll be riffing on the sun-baked psychodrama of the 1975 Mr. Olympia competition, Arnold's genuinely unhinged mind games against poor Lou Ferrigno, and a supporting cast of quads that deserve their own screen credit. Expect commentary on 70s masculinity, the pageantry of competitive posing, and the sneaking suspicion that this whole film is just performance art that forgot to tell anyone. Pump up, tune in, and don't skip leg day — or this episode. Want to pick a movie we do an episode on and record a special commentary just for you? Purchase something from our wish list! We are riffers on Cineprov! Check us out!! How will Pumping Iron hold up? Directed by George Butler and Robert Fiore, Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Lou Ferrigno, Franco Columbu, Mike Katz, Ken Waller, and Serge Nubret

This week on Myopia Movie, we got a value meal coming up! We watched Super Size Me, where a documentarian eats nothing but McDonald's for 30 days straight...turns out "would you like to supersize that" was less of a question and more of a warning. Want to pick a movie we do an episode on and record a special commentary just for you? Purchase something from our wish list! We are riffers on Cineprov! Check us out!! How will Super Size Me hold up? Directed by Morgan Spurlock Starring: Morgan Spurlock, Daryl Isaacs, Bridget Bennett, Don Gorske, Lisa Ganjhu, Alexandra Jamieson

This week on Myopia Movie, we got a kill screen coming up! We watched The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters, where a middle school science teacher sets a record against a hot sauce magnate on a standee arcade machine...millennials, eat your heart out.  Want to pick a movie we do an episode on and record a special commentary just for you? Purchase something from our wish list!  We are riffers on Cineprov! Check us out!! How will The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters hold up? Directed by Seth Gordon Starring: Steve Wiebe, Billy Mitchell, Mark Alpiger, Adam Wood, Walter Day, Steve Sanders, Steven Krogman, Robert Mruczek

This week we start season 13 in earnest as we talk a month of documentaries! We watched American Movie, a film about being creative, the American Dream, and keeping the Surge nice and chilled. RIP to Uncle Billy!  This week on Myopia Movies, we're trading the usual fictional disasters for a documented one. Chris Smith's American Movie follows Mark Borchardt — Wisconsin's answer to Orson Welles, if Orson Welles had a day job at a cemetery and financed his art through a combination of paper routes and his uncle's life savings — as he attempts, against all reason and budget, to finish his short horror film Coven. It's not a movie about filmmaking so much as a movie about willpower, and what happens when that willpower vastly outpaces talent, funding, sobriety, and — in at least one memorable scene — the ability to say the word "coven" without flubbing it forty separate times. Mark's business partner Mike Schank drifts through every frame like a man who found inner peace by accident and never bothered to explain how. Family members get roped into acting roles they clearly didn't audition for. A wall gets punched. A head goes through a cabinet, on purpose, for art. We riff on a lot of terrible movies here. This is that rare thing: a great one about the terrible movies other people make — and somehow ends up more heartfelt than half the scripted stuff we cover. Grab a beer, don't invest in anyone's film school dropout uncle, and let's watch a man refuse, with genuine heroism, to give up on Wisconsin's most cursed haunted house short. Want to pick a movie we do an episode on and record a special commentary just for you? Purchase something from our wish list!  We are riffers on Cineprov! Check us out!! How will American Movie hold up? Directed by Chris Smith Starring: Mark Borchardt Mike Schank Tom Schank Monica Borchardt Ken Keen Bill Borchardt Chris Borchardt (Mark's brother) Alex Borchardt-Hume (Mark's son)