Happily NEVER After

Does your life feel more like a true crime drama than a Hallmark romance? Us too. And with all of this quarantining, mark our words... Snapped is going to have A LOT of content to pull from. With that in mind, Happily NEVER After is taking a sharp left into the Hallmark Movies and Mysteries films! We have had such a blast reviewing this genre, we've decided to go all in. They manage to mix some flirtation into these murders, so it's really the best of both, you know? Anyway, our first ep back is Murder She Baked: A Chocolate Chip Mystery. Hannah, Alison Sweeney - Biggest Loser, Days of Our Lives - is part-time bakery owner, part-time detective and her small town friend Ron shows up dead in his milk truck. In her bakery parking lot, no less! There's also a love triangle between Hannah, some other guy who looks good in decent lighting and the delightful Cameron Mathison. There's a rich, snooty family, tons of baseless accusations and peeping through windows and around corners. We make fun of it all. Take a listen!! Link in bio.

Y'all...we are back with another episode after a long break! This one is a special request before we kick off our holiday season... So my good friend asked us to recap In the Key of Love starring Laura Osnes and Scott Michael Foster. Never heard of them? Not surprised. Maggie (Osnes) abandons her promising singing career to run her grandmother's wedding photography biz and, of course, her ex-singing partner-boyfriend, Jake, walks back into the picture when his sister is getting married. This movie really is a spectacle in gaslighting and manipulation as just about everyone in town, including Nana Evelyn, is driving Maggie back into what seems to kind of be an emotionally abusive relationship filled with guitar singing and Jake's incessant mansplaining. If you can sift through all of that to catch the sweet moments, you just might really enjoy In the Key of Love! Go listen now! 

We're back with episode 40! Bethany Joy Lenz and my main man, Andrew Walker, return to the Hallmark silver screen for Bottled With Love! Abbey is the totally non-Hallmark-typical type A control freak with a high powered marketing job who's got to deal with her boss's prodigal son, Nick, who leaves a salmon boat fishing expedition to return for a quick stint at the family biz. You know, as one does. Before all that, though, Abbey gets stood up at a wedding and puts a message in a bottle - also as one does - as a call out to the man of her dreams, complete with return email address. Which makes one slightly eye roll at her complete freak out meltdown when dream man eventually does contact her...by email...as prescribed...by the message she lobbed into the Boston Harbor. Anyway, there's weird AOL 90s style chatting with screen names alongside marketing meetings that go awry and other disappointments. All of it leads to two coworkers who are much more than coworkers at a cidery figuring out they might be in love. And pancakes...a humongous stack of weirdly delicious pancakes. Don't worry, we break it all down. Go listen, now! 

NEW EP! It's Spring Fever, y'all and HNA is bringing you Flip That Romance with Julie Gonzalo and Tyler Hynes. Jules Briggs and Lance Waddell used to be a thing...two years ago...until their flip project went flop and Lance ran for the Portland, OR hills in search of solo fame and fortune as a... contractor. But when the paparazzi didn't flock, Lance came crawling back to daddy's business in Bedford where he ends up, once again, faced with a still-salty Jules. Not so coincidentally, the two end up buying separate sides of a duplex, which turns into a huge pissing match and legit wager as to who's side will sell first and for the most cheddar. When a local design magazine gets wind of the competition (and past romantic history), the whole thing gets propelled into overdrive and while the timeline for their flip shortens, Jules and Lance start to remember - despite tons of bitter rehashing, complaining and other childish shenanigans - why they should probably just bury their paintbrushes and grow old together in Bedford.

Welcome to Bruges where the players play, and they ride on them gondolas everydayyy... OK, perhaps not. This is a Lacey Chabert joint, after all. Join your fave hosts and our super special guest, the super lovable Drew Current (@drewbutwithpants), producer of Lifetime Uncorked, as we try our best to explain our take on Hallmark's Love, Romance and Chocolate. This wannabe piece of foreign-style cinema follows accomplished baker Emma (Chabert) as she gets brutally dumped, sheds not one tear and simply carries on with her life starting with a vacation for one to Bruges, Belgium. As one does, she runs into Luc (Will Kemp) who is running a failing family chocolate shoppe. With the Royal Chocolatier competition just two short weeks away, Luc's pregnant assistant selfishly goes out on bed rest leaving Emma - the American tourist who knows jack squat about chocolate making - to obviously step in as his assistant and virtually save his family's 30-year chocolatier legacy with cherry coke. If you're stopping now to ask, NO this doesn't make any sense! A bad version of Chris Martin also tries to get in the way of all the chocolate romance, but in the end goes back to his successful business leaving Emma to fall madly in love with the dude who she will need to stay in Bruges with and support financially, creatively, emotionally, etc. for the rest of their lives. Join us and Drew for an amazing episode and a lot of laughs! Go listen, now! 

We're baaaaaack!  And as promised, our first ep back from the break is a three movie mystery series starring Life Goes On stars, Kellie Martin and Chad Lowe. We know...you can barely contain your excitement either!!Hailey Dean is an ex-DA turned therapist who sees no patients, but still moonlights hard core at the local police station in the very small town of ATLANTA. Her fiancé Will was tragically murdered in an alley 20 years ago and she was the target, a fact that has haunted her for all of these years. The killer was never found. It takes us halfway through the first movie, 2+2=Murder (yes, that's the title) to meet Clyde Bennett (Lowe) who was Will's annoyingly creepy old baseball team buddy. Apparently, college baseball teams have really elaborate reunions (seriously, balloons, slideshows, mailed invitations) to which Hailey has been invited. Most likely so Clyde can keep incessantly bringing up, as he does, how Will is dead, no one solved the murder and how remembering college baseball times is really important. It takes two more movies to get there - A Marriage Made for Murder and A Will to Kill (just cruel), but in the end we discover that Clyde is not exactly the unassuming, baseball-loving, awkwardly stalking, sharp dressing real estate developer that we had grown to tolerate in six hours of cinema. Nope, he's much, much more. 

So, y'all, we couldn't say we got through Christmas 2018 without bringing you our very special recap of the Netflix sequel, A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding. Amber (ugh yes, that's still her name) and Richard are back to not only get married but save the Aldovian kingdom from financial ruin. Of course, we had to bring back our favorite guest, Ashley Proctor, to judge and snark along with us through this ridiculous second act. Richard is now King, remember? No, we know you forgot. We kept forgetting too. Anyway, Aldovians are losing their jobs and they are "royally" pissed, hehe, and Richard can't just jet off to the Amalfi Coast during these types of crises, he's got to stick it out in the kingdom and start finally reviewing these budgets. Meanwhile, it's wedding season and Amber and crew - Dad and friends in tow - are navigating the importance of lifestyle blogs, dress fittings, AND this financial situation that is plaguing Richard's new king...ship? Not sure that's a word. Oh and Simon - last movie's attempted-crown-stealing cousin - is back to help this time and totally vibing with Amber's hottie friend from NYC. We decided we like it. Anyway, take a listen and laugh at this crazy trip to the royal altar with an investigative twist! Go! 

On the 8th day of HNA Christmas, Hallmark gives us a movie where the townspeople of struggling Christmas, CO (yep, Christmas is the name of the town) basically work day in and day out over the course of several days to keep a female ski resort exec from Denver trapped in their town so they can BRING, not stop from bringing, but BRING a fancy ski resort to their town, which will undoubtedly bring hardship and eventual failure to any of the existing small business currently operating in their precious town. Are you with us? Did you catch all that? OK... Eric Mabius expertly plays Gage McBride, loveable, single-dad Sherriff of Christmas who is simply watching all of this madness play out while shaking his head. Jennifer Finnigan is Madison, the initially eye rolling ski resort exec who was forced to scope out the town by her boss, takes out the town sign and is forced to stay the many "days" it will take to fix her car - wink, wink. Prevailing belief: if we build a ski resort, tourism will return to Christmas. Until they all slowly remember that ski resorts bring a host of crap chains and big box retailers that will put them all out of business. I didn't say they were quick studies... It's a lot of back and forth until Madison ends up falling in love not only with this crazy town, its people's relentless pursuit of Christmas magic and Sherriff Gage who, let's face it, is that perfect combo of rugged hotness, sarcasm and charm that no self-respecting woman would kick out of...ahem...her sleigh. ;) OK, go listen now... this is one for the books! 

HNA's 7th day of Christmas brings you Ashley Williams as airline pilot turned Alaska ranch owner Zoey Hathaway in the Northern Lights of Christmas! Y'all, Ashley has done A LOT of TV Christmas movies by now, but she takes cooky optimism to a whole other level in this one. Whatever happy dust she's under the influence of is only amplified by Corey Sevier who plays her polar opposite as the grouchy ranch groundskeeper, Alec.  Zoey's hometown mentor, Gus, has died - naturally - and left her his ranch, which Zoey is determined to sell in order to run back to Seattle and fulfill her dream of buying a charter plane. Alec makes it super obvious that he's upset about Zoey selling the ranch with a bunch of foot stomping and pouting until the two strike up a deal to at least agree on which buyers she will accept to ensure Gus's ranch is in good (small town) hands. But then brilliance strikes because how else do you more quickly sell your ranch other than creating an entire town Christmas festival in 9 days? Better staging just isn't going to do it and Alec is game to help. So off they go and along the way Zoey inserts every damn Christmas memory she's ever had into this flipping festival and drags the whole town into her personal problem, but they're all happy to help so it's fine. Do you think she sells the ranch in the end? Do you think Zoey and Alec end up together? Go listen and find out! 

The 6th day of HNA Christmas brings you Mingle All the Way! Get your techy hats on y'all because Hallmark takes us into the very complicated - and super hard for your accountant mom to understand - world of (gasp) dating apps. The perky and delightful Jen Lilley plays Molly Hoffman, creator of a professional "dating" app called Mingle All the Way. It's designed for "platonic plus ones" to find that special someone that they can fake date for the holidays. Remember that old Hallmark classic, Hitched for the Holidays with Joey Lawrence and Emily Hampshire? That was actually the first movie we covered!! Aww... Anyway, this movie is basically a techy reboot of the same concept. Brant Daugherty plays Jeff, a ridiculously hot Christmas craft-making advertising guy (not sure those actually exist, but OK) who's feeling the shaft at work because he is without a sig fig. As per the formula, Molly and Jeff meet under some duress and are immediately annoyed with each other but decide to couple up so that Molly can get her app funded and Jeff can get the L.A. office. How could these two gorgeous people that initially hate each other fall in love at Christmas time? Listen and find out! Seriously, go hit play now.