Baby Mine Podcast

Second year grief seems harder than the first. Maybe it’s grief fatigue, maybe it’s just simply the shock has worn off and we are sad. No matter why, it's been a real bummer lately. You may say we sound like a broken record, but with so much outrage in the world and turmoil right now, broken record seems to be in fashion. Just call us fashionable.We picked a good record to play this week with “Two of Us” by The Beatles. This tune elicits a certain “awww…so sweet” reaction from most everyone I know. Try to listen and try not to sway in your seat or tap your toe…go ahead, we’ll wait…(seriously it’s on ANY streaming platform, just go listen!). Did you feel that lightness? The hope? Did you feel the weight of the lyrics;“You and I have memoriesLonger than the road that stretches out ahead.”Pretty heavy lyric for a song with whistling in it.In Katie’s case with Kathleen it may be true that the time spent with her is longer than the years she has left, unless she lives to 86, which is seeming more unlikely with every passing week that she can’t find a PCP. Tim had 19 years with Kathleen, also not an insignificant amount of time.This song with it’s bouncy melody, comforting harmonies, and sweet whistle at the end is no lightweight of a song. It carries memory and mortality in equal measure. If you have been to Liverpool, you can feel those influences everywhere. The Bombed out Church was pretty striking for these Americans when we went in 2018. No histrionic weeping, or grotesque plaque that no one reads, just a bombed out church. Such a matter-of-fact practical memorial to the Liverpool Blitz.One of the worst part of living in America is the denial when things go wrong. We argue over our past to put a positive face on everything. When we tell people our daughter has died, a very common reaction is to tell us what an opportunity we have for gratitude for everything else going good in our lives. Puke and double puke, we say. Let us live with it all. The good, the bad, and the heartbreak.The Beatles have taught us a lot about living with tragedy. How we can come out the other side of unfairness and heartbreak with, if not a smile, at least a deeper understanding of our humanity. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit katietimanderson.substack.com

Episode 6 of this podcast covers “Me and Magdalena” by The Monkees and was the hardest episode to post. We finished this episode on Mother’s Day and it took until Father’s Day for me to actually write something. As of this writing, it has been 18 months since Kathleen has been gone. I used to think about her dying years before she did as her health seemed to be generally declining and I wanted to try to prepare myself for the time when I would not have her in my periphery every moment of my life. I imagined the hobbies I would take up, the volunteer work I could do, the books I would read when I had the time. As if we ever have enough time.When I went to high school, our Valedictorian, let's call her Sally, was a very motivated and bright young woman. We started our educational lives together in a small Catholic grade school. She was fun, cute, and very smart and we used to walk home from school together singing church songs. As we grew up, we didn’t share the same interests. As a high schooler, I liked to sneak bottles of Boone's Farm into the theater to see Rocky Horror every weekend. I don’t know what Sally did for fun, but it definitely wasn’t that. I listened to her graduation speech and remember her clearly saying “when opportunity was knocking, some of us were looking for four- leaf clovers” and I know she probably wasn’t addressing me but I sure did take that personally. Pretty smug comment from an 18 year old and even then I thought so.Sally became a doctor. One of the youngest students ever accepted into medical school for her field. I’m sure she has changed since we were seniors in high school a handful of decades ago. I know I have, I no longer drink Boones Farm. I hope in the ensuing years that she has found a moment to take in nothing and occasionally look for a four-leaf clover.This song is about those moments of doing nothing of consequence with someone. Talking the time to see someone in a beautiful light, without any expectations. Taking the time to wonder and to surrender to the mystery of the undiscovered. Kathleen, and any person with high communication needs, whether due to stroke, alzheimers, or autism, have lots of thoughts and feelings that are never known because we rely on words too much. “Use your words” we used to say to Kathleen when she screamed. I wish I could go back in time and say, “I’m listening”instead.In the past eighteen months, I haven’t volunteered, or finished a book (I have started several) or started a new hobby. I did just see a baby cardinal in my yard. I have stared into deep space using the high powered telescopes at Lowell Observatory. Its not like I’m doing nothing. I’ve honestly appreciate the hours of useless tv I’ve watched, the leisurely strolls to look at my neighbor’s yards, and the dozens of dogs I’ve met on those walks.In fact, it’s the sunsets I’ve watched and the waves of the bay near my house I’ve held in the highest regard. The birds I’ve seen in my yard that have brought me the most joy over the last 18 months. Those moments have been bookended by lots of tears and regret over the times I wanted to fix what is rather than appreciating things as they are. As I take this time to appreciate that my family has not fallen apart and my marriage is solid and my health is…well…ok enough, I am slowly learning the lesson that time spent in quiet reflection and wonder is the very best time of all. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit katietimanderson.substack.com

Some songs take you places. Although you planned this trip very well, you don’t always know where you are going. “Girl Girl Girl” starts with a little cowboy trot pulling you toward it. This song may contain a secret message, we really aren’t sure but the obscurity is pretty wonderful.The song has some connection to the southwest. It’s a theme in our collective lives as Tim is from Arizona and Katie took the kids on a few epic road trips to the valley of the sun. This song sounds like the southwest. The dust jumps off of this record and we even cleaned the record extra!The first time Kathleen went to the southwest, everyone worried about her. She had a visual disorder called ocular albinism, which gave her skin a translucent glow bordering on light blue. Also the sunshine made it difficult to see even with the darkest of sunglasses. But there were plenty of swimming pools and her beloved Grandparents. Trips to the Southwest, either to Airzona, or Albuquerque, were some of Kathleen’s favorite times.Most of all of our collective desert experiences have been beautiful. Filled with otherworldly scenery and more vitamin d than you can shake a stick at. Still, the southwest is filled with a variety of ways to die, none of them are very pleasant. From falling into canyons, to rattlesnakes, and long stretches of highway with no one in sight, the desert forces us to grapple with the bigger questions of life.We thrust ourselves upon nature in unsettling ways. Staying in Scottsdale every year, we see miles of golf courses soaking up water and non-native landscaping so incongruent with the actual landscape. The lack of public transit forces everyone into a car to drive, drive, drive. The air in Phoenix may be full of particulates but it’s hard to tell when you look up at that seemingly clear blue sky.“Girl, Girl, Girl” is a comforting sadness, like a cow skull in the desert. We look, we wonder, and we come back again. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit katietimanderson.substack.com

In Ep 4 of Baby Mine, we talk about the David Bowie record Everyone Says Hi from his 2002 album, Heathen. Please take a moment to enjoy the pure joy of this live version of “Everyone Says ‘Hi.’” This record conjures up many subjects, not least of which is Bowie himself. We discuss him less as a musician and more as an Artist. Like our late daughter Kathleen, Bowie made you look at almost everything differently. Regrettably, we went on these mental trips with Bowie much easier. However, it is always good anytime a work of art, or a person, or your pet rabbit can enable you to see things in a different way. It’s not a small gift to broaden someone else’s mind.We talk a bit about how travel is a metaphor for death. Grief alone is definitely some sort of trip through unknown and windy roads. Sometimes when we are gone from home or when we are feeling the lowest during our grief, it’s nice to know that someone else is thinking of you, even in the simplest, “everyone says hi.” People would often say it to us when talking about Kathleen…tell her I said hi. And as trite as the sentiment sounds, it may have been the best thing to relay to her. For some people with autism, listening to anyone speak takes a lot of concentration. There was some sort of audio-processing disorder that prevented any sort of fluidity in her hearing. For some reason, it was easier for her to hear when someone was singing. She needed any verbal information provided to her to be direct, simple, and preferably short.But what really struck us about this song was the idea of speaking for someone else. Throughout Kathleen’s life, someone (usually Katie) had to interpret the meanings of her rote phrases. She would say things like “Binyah. Binyah, PollyWOG!!” (the name of a character from the TV show Gullah Gullah Island. It would often make people laugh, but that phrase was a clue that she was about to start screaming, or worse. Nobody likes to be misunderstood. It was vital that messages were clarified both from Kathleen and to her.We also discuss the general bummer that is the new administration. In this Bowie song, the lyrics “don't stay in a bad place where they don’t care how you are…” rings true for many of our favorite people. The looming cuts to Medicaid, on which so many people with disabilities rely, are truly gutting. Not to mention the very real threat facing our LGBTQ family and friends are under. We’ve heard stories, and it’s not good out there.Somehow, we pivot from the disaster of life in the USA to our cats. What can we say but we’ve lost our damn minds. We tell the long and only somewhat interesting story of how we got our latest cat, Squiggy (see cat in his box). His Picture is below. We also have Enid (the tortie) and Mitzi (our black cat who loves her leash). This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit katietimanderson.substack.com

Baby Mine Ep 3 discusses the bombastic record Pound Cake by Blvck Bvunnie’s Thot Squad. We dig into what this song may be about as well as the caregiving role that Blvck Bunnie has with “Grandma” who features in several of her posts on TikTok and Instagram.Listen to Thot Squad's Pound CakeCheck out Blvck Bunnie and Grandma on Instagram (now that's what I call caregiving!)This episode discusses how caregiving involves the most intimate areas of our human experiences. Although we may consider the bathing, grooming, and toileting tasks as the most intimate of caregiving tasks, the act of preparing meals for someone else is equally as sacred. We all have preferences for the way we like our food prepared, from the amount of cream we want in our coffee, to the way we want our sandwiches cut. People who have low support needs may be able to make meals without help, but lots of folks rely on others to make all of their meals. The people making this food aren’t waiters, they are often paid providers just checking duties off of a list. If the caregiver isn’t intimately aware of the tastes of the person they work with, they are likely to put mustard on a sandwich instead of the preferred ketchup and turn lunch into a traumatic experience for everyone.Food is our sustenance but it’s so much more. Our daughter Kathleen needed to have her meals and menu written down for the entire week. She would reference her menu frequently throughout the day. Whole days of the week were dedicated to particular items; Monday Fast Food Night, Thursday night Frosties, Friday was Pizza Night. She couldn’t control who was going to make her food, but for her own sanity she needed to know what to expect to eat.In addition to yapping about food, Tim brings up the issues involved in caregiving and relationships. As private insurance companies take more control of the types of care available, they are rapidly encouraging AI technologies to assist people in their own homes. A google search for assistive technology will net pages of results for providers and wonderful examples of truly transformative technologies. For people with intellectual disabilities, monitoring systems and call pendants to reach staff that may be working in other locations are very popular. However, as Tim pointed out, caregiving is all about a relationship. Are we serving people well by taking the people out of caregiving? Obviously there is lots of gray area between an iPad and a human staff who dedicates their entire life to another human. What we can expect of a human caregiver and what we can expect from an electronic device as a caregiver covers a lot of ethical ground. We look forward to exploring this theme as we go forward with the podcast.Wrapping up with something stupid, we chat a bit about David Lynch and how his movies have brought us together to the BIG screen as Dir. Lynch would have wanted. We also reminisce about the improbable connection we have with the 2001 Comedy Central TV game show, Beat the Geeks. What can we say except we live a charmed life. Oh, and always get to know the projectionist! This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit katietimanderson.substack.com

In episode 2 of the Baby Mine podcast Tim and Katie discuss the record Nobody Loves you More by Kim Deal. She’s a twin, a caregiver, and she’s from Ohio! It’s no wonder that this record made the playlist. We have always been big fan of anything Ms. Deal is connected with, and Tim was really looking forward to the release of the album of the same name which was released in November 2024. We had to record this podcast twice because Tim couldn’t stop crying the first attempt. But, as he admitted, he’s getting really good at crying! This song made us both think about the depth of love that it takes to care for someone. Kathleen had caregivers who saw her at her worst moments, moments of frustration when her disability interfered with her ability to effectively communicate. Sometimes it’s hard to love someone who needs us so much. But, at the end of the day the ones we struggle with sometimes engender the most love from us.Hosted by Katie and Tim AndersonAudio Editing by Jim Dinan [email protected] by Peter Quigley (aka Peter Pizza)Logo by Paul Volker This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit katietimanderson.substack.com

In this episode we discuss the mysterious and beautiful Sandy Denny record from the 1972 “Sandy” LP, “It Suits Me Well”. This song has a beautiful and sad feel that reminds us of the Irish and Celtic folk songs that Katie used to sing to Kathleen every night to her until she was 22 when she left the house to live semi-independently. These songs include “Molly Malone” aka “Cockles and Mussels” , a song about a fishmonger; “Dick Darby the Cobbler”, a song about a man who kills his wife; “The Bonny Boy”, a song about a father who I marries off his old-maid daughter to a younger man who then dies. Of course, fun nightmare fuel before bed.This record also evokes the circus, which connects us to a history of disability and employment that we wonder about. Kathleen, like many people with disabilities lived her life with her hand out, dependent on others.When Sandy Denny sings “It Suits Me Well,” we have to wonder if it really ever does or could we even imagine ourselves saying this about our own lives.Remember, hair is everything and don’t be a snob.Credits Hosted by Katie and Tim AndersonMusic by Peter Quigley aka. “Peter Pizza”Audio Engineering and Editing by Jim Dinan (email Jim at [email protected])Logo and Artwork by Paul Volker This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit katietimanderson.substack.com