Ask Jess and Dave

Mismatched Desire: Dreading the Reach and Disappointing the Person You Love“My partner wants more sex than I do, and I’ve started dreading the moment he reaches for me because I know I’m going to disappoint him again.”It’s one of the most common yet least spoken issues in long-term relationships. In Episode 11 of The Ask Jess & Dave Show, we respond to a listener caught in a painful cycle: one partner reaches, the other tenses, and both end up feeling like they’re failing. The listener also asks a bigger question: is it possible to want someone emotionally and intellectually, but not sexually, and still have a healthy relationship?This time, we get personal and open up about our own dynamic around desire and the process we went through to get to where we are now, offering an honest look at what it takes to really address this territory rather than just feel stuck in it.In this episode, we explore:* The reasons partners may find themselves in this kind of situation, and why there is rarely a single cause* How differences in sexual blueprints can shape what each person finds arousing, what helps desire show up, and why one partner’s way in may not match the other’s* How issues in the relationship, such as unresolved hurt, resentment, criticism, or disconnection, can be factors worth examining before assuming the problem is “just desire”* The ways we’re socialized to think about the meaning of sex along gendered lines, and how those beliefs shape what a reach or a “no” comes to mean to each partner* What the partner with lower desire is carrying: the shame of “disappointing,” the bracing, the fear of saying no* What the partner with higher desire is carrying: the vulnerability of reaching, and the sting of rejection* Whether a relationship can thrive when emotional and intellectual connection is strong but sexual desire isn’t, and what honest negotiation looks likeThis conversation is tender, practical, and free of judgment, for anyone on either side of the reach.Got a question about love, relationships, or inner healing and transformation? Send it to [email protected] more at theazuriteway.com#AskJessAndDave #MismatchedDesire #LowDesire #SexAndIntimacy #DesireDiscrepancy #SexualBlueprints #RelationshipAdvice #RelationshipHealing #AttachmentHealing #ConsciousRelationships #CouplesTherapy #EmotionalSafety #InnerHealing #TheAzuriteWay

You've spent years learning to identify your parts, unblend from them, and access Self-energy with increasing reliability. And then your partner says that thing, in that tone, and suddenly Self is nowhere to be found. You're blended, reactive, and all that hard-won inner wisdom feels inaccessible.Sound familiar?In this episode, we explore why relational conflict with a partner is one of the last and most challenging frontiers for Self-energy—even for people with years of IFS practice under their belt—and what it actually takes to change that.But we don't just talk about it in the abstract. We bring it home by sharing a recent and genuinely personal situation between us that surfaced this very dynamic, offering an unguarded look at what it actually looks like when find ourselves in hurt moments together.In this conversation, we explore:* The stages of development in cultivating Self-energy* The neurobiological and attachment reasons why a partner's tone, face, or silence can hijack the nervous system faster than almost any other trigger* The inner work that is personal and necessary—what it actually takes to build enough capacity to stay grounded in Self when the person you're most attached to is also the one activating you most* The relational dimension: how to communicate hurt in a regulated way that genuinely invites your partner's Self to respond rather than their parts* Why taking a pause during conflict sounds simple but is often experienced as abandonment, stonewalling, or punishment—and what has to be in place relationally for a pause to actually create safety rather than more rupture* What it looks like when both partners are practicing this together—and what becomes possible when Self meets Self in conflict rather than part meeting partThis one goes deep—and gets personal. It's for anyone who has ever wondered why the inner work that changes everything in the therapy room somehow doesn't show up when it matters most at home.Got a question about love, relationships, or inner healing and transformation? Send it to [email protected]#AskJessAndDave #IFS #InternalFamilySystems #SelfEnergy #PartsWork #AttachmentTheory #RelationshipHealing #ConflictResolution #NervousSystemRegulation #SecureAttachment #ConsciousRelationships #CouplesTherapy #InnerHealing #TheAzuriteWay #PolyvagalTheory #SomaticHealing #EmotionalIntelligence #RelationshipAdvice

What happens when a long-term marriage is transformed not by conflict or growing apart — but by one partner coming out as a lesbian?In Episode 9 of The Ask Jess & Dave Show, we respond to a man writing in after his wife of 20 years came out as a late-blooming lesbian and told him she's no longer interested in sex with men — including him. After months of grief, individual and couples counseling, and a great deal of courage on both their parts, they've arrived at a remarkable place: a mutual willingness to reimagine their relationship from the ground up rather than simply end it.Inspired by friends who navigated a similar coming out and built a thriving open partnership — living a block apart, co-parenting beautifully, and each dating others — this couple is genuinely open to a new relational structure. He's read Polysecure twice. He's starting Polywise. He's doing the work. But he's running into a gap in the literature: almost everything written about opening relationships assumes the primary couple is still romantically and sexually connected. What do you do when that's no longer the case?Together, we explore: What it means to consciously "start over" and build a new kind of relationship after a fundamental shift in identity and orientation.How to apply ENM and attachment principles to a non-romantic co-parenting partnership.The crucial question of whether to formalize a divorce or remain married while opening up — and what factors should inform that decision.What rebuilding secure attachment looks like when the romantic and sexual dimension of the relationship has closed.How to grieve the relationship that was while genuinely remaining open to what the relationship could become.What other non-romantic co-parenting couples can learn from this story and the framework we have developed in both our personal and professional lives.This episode is for anyone navigating the intersection of sexual identity, long-term partnership, co-parenting, and the question of what family can look like when it stops fitting the conventional mold.Got a question about love, relationships, or inner healing & transformation? Send it to: [email protected]

What does it actually take to heal from infidelity? And what happens when the person who caused the betrayal isn't willing to end the relationship that caused it?In Episode 8 of The Ask Jess & Dave Show, we are joined for the first time by a very special guest — our friend and colleague Lea Dawn, an expert in the terrain of infidelity — to respond to one of the most provocative listener questions we've received yet. A man writes in after discovering his wife of 11 years had been having a secret affair with a coworker for nearly a year. After painful conversations, they both want to try to rebuild. But there's a catch: his wife doesn't want to end things with the other person. She says the affair has led her to realize she wants an open relationship. He says it feels less like an invitation into non-monogamy and more like being asked to bless the betrayal. Together, Jess, Dave, and Lea Dawn explore:* What the actual process of healing from infidelity looks like — and what it genuinely requires from both partners* Why the sequence of repair matters, and what gets lost when it's skipped* The crucial difference between a conscious, mutual transition into ENM and using non-monogamy as an escape hatch from accountability* Whether it's possible to do real healing work while the affair partner is still actively in the picture* What the betrayed partner deserves — in terms of time, honesty, and genuine choice — before any conversation about restructuring can even beginIt gets juicy! If you want to find out more about Lea Dawn's work, check out the following resources: Website: www.LeaDawnLove.comQuiz: LeaDawnLove.com/Quiz Blog post: How to lose your hurt partner in 10 days (after an affair)Got a question about love, relationships, or inner healing & transformation? Send it to: [email protected]

What if the way we talk to our kids about friendships, crushes, and conflict could actually shape how they relate to themselves and others for the rest of their lives?In Episode 7 of The Ask Jess & Dave Show, we respond to a real listener question about one of the most important — and most overlooked — aspects of parenting: how do we help our kids navigate the messy, tender terrain of peer relationships, first crushes, and interpersonal conflict with some degree of groundedness and Self energy? And is it possible to raise kids without unintentionally installing the very shame dynamics we've spent our adult lives trying to heal?Drawing on IFS parts work and the Shame Triangle framework from our book Transforming the Shame Triangle, this episode is essential listening for any parent who wants to do things differently — and isn't quite sure where to start.Got a question about love, relationships, or inner healing & transformation? Send it to [email protected]

Opening a relationship doesn't always unfold equally, and that imbalance can put enormous pressure on both partners.One of you is thriving, meeting people, exploring. The other is waiting, wondering, and doesn't yet know if they even want this—because they haven't really had the chance to find out. It's one of the most common and least talked-about growing pains in ENM and polyamorous transitions.In Episode 6 of The Ask Jess & Dave Show, we tackle a real listener question about exactly this dynamic: How does the partner with more opportunities keep exploring without collapsing into guilt, people-pleasing, or feeling responsible for fixing the imbalance? And how does the partner with fewer opportunities figure out whether ENM is actually right for them when they haven't yet had enough experience to really know?Drawing on insights from our book Polywise, this one is essential watching for anyone navigating the uneven terrain of opening up.Got a question about love, relationships, or inner healing & transformation? Send it to [email protected]

What if doing the work isn't enough?For anxious-avoidant couples, individual healing can only go so far. Because the trigger isn't just inside you — it's in the space between you. In Episode 5 of The Ask Jess & Dave Show, Jess & Dave get into the deeper mechanics of why the anxious-avoidant dance persists even when both partners are self-aware, growth-oriented, and genuinely trying — and what it actually takes to shift the dynamic at the relational level, not just the individual one.Got a question about love, relationships, or inner healing & transformation? Send it to [email protected]

How do you know if someone is genuinely polyamorous — or just looking for a way out?Because here's the thing: when done with real integrity, opening a relationship doesn't shed obligations — it adds them. It implies more accountability. More transparency. More reassurance. More of the unglamorous, unsexy labor of loving people well. So if someone's vision of "more love" somehow comes with fewer responsibilities to the people they already have — that's a tell. They're not expanding their capacity for commitment. They could be looking for the door.Ethical non-monogamy isn't defined by the permissions it grants. It's defined by the work it demands.In this episode, we also explore the tension between a partner's urgency for freedom, exploration, and independence — and the other partner's very real need for safety and secure attachment. And what it looks like when those two things are moving at very different speeds.Drawing on insights from our book Polywise, this episode is essential watching whether you're navigating non-monogamy yourself, questioning a partner's motivations, or just trying to understand what ethical relating actually requires.Got a question about love, relationships, or inner healing & transformation? We want to hear it — send it to [email protected]

In Episode 3 of The Ask Jess & Dave Show, we explore one of the most quietly painful and under-discussed dynamics in long-term relationships. Because the real question isn't just about sex — it's about what the absence of it means.Is it a conscious, mutual choice? Or is it a symptom of something deeper — emotional disconnection, relational neglect, not feeling seen, heard, or understood? Resentments that have quietly built up over time through criticism, defensiveness, and emotional distance? Those are very different situations — and they have very different impacts on your wellbeing and your nervous system.We also talk about asexuality — what it actually means to be ace, how it differs from low libido or celibacy, and how it exists on a spectrum. Because for some people, a sexless relationship isn't a problem to solve — it's simply how they're wired.Whether you're in this situation, have been, or are just curious — this one is worth a watch!Got a question about love, relationships, or inner healing & transformation? Send it to us at [email protected]

Do you and your partner keep fighting about the same things — and can't even agree on what actually happened? Or maybe someone in the relationship keeps assuming they know exactly what their partner thinks or feels, and no amount of "that's not true" seems to change it. In Episode 2 of The Ask Jess & Dave Show, we're getting into two of the most stuck-feeling dynamics in relationships — and what you can actually do about them.