You’re NOT Damaged Goods! — Mark Anthony Lord

Dr. Wesley Detwiler is a licensed Clinical Psychologist practicing in California and he works closely with the LGBTQ+ community and those suffering from addiction and complex trauma. In this episode, Dr. Wesley talks about what sex positive really means when you are in sobriety. He also talks about how the community itself can ostracize men who are seeking recovery, and he also discusses how many men are unaware of the risks of sex and porn addiction when trying to get sober from drugs.     TAKEAWAYS: [1:50] A little bit about Dr. Wesley.  [3:20] Dr. Wesley personally struggled with a drug addiction and he knew he had to get sober in order for him to be a successful psychologist.  [4:45] How does Dr. Wesley define sobriety?  [9:25] Everyone has an underlying need for connection.  [11:15] A lot of gay men feel like they’re damaged goods.  [12:15] How are we using sex to value or devalue ourselves? [17:15] As a community, we can end up ostracizing the very people who need your help the most.  [18:30] It’s not a ‘them’ problem, this is a ‘we’ problem.  [20:20] What does it really mean to be ‘sex positive’ in sobriety?  [23:35] We need to dive deeper and really explore what intimacy and sex really means to the individual.    RESOURCES:  Detwilerpsychology.com   QUOTES:  “I didn’t have the tools to ‘adult’ properly. I didn’t have the glue that would stick all those things together in a meaningful or positive way.” “For anyone struggling to get sober, do not give up. Sobriety is achievable. The only thing you can’t do is give up.” “As a community, there’s work we can do around having a more healthy concept of what healthy sex is.”

Dr. David Fawcett, the author of Lust, Men, and Meth, has a conversation with the translator of the book, Karl-Anton Gerber, discussing how this project came about, his own story, and the chemsex scene in Germany. German title: Lust, Rausch und Crystal Meth: Wege aus dem Chemsex-Konsum bei MSM   TAKEAWAYS: [1:50] A little bit about Karl.  [3:20] Karl shares his introduction to drugs and how it has affected his life. [7:10] Karl is HIV+ and shares how he first found out the news. [9:10] Dr. David understands where Karl is coming from. For many gay men, they feel like “damaged goods.” [9:40] What made Karl change his lifestyle and get clean?  [12:45] Karl shares how this book, Lust, Men, and Meth, changed his life.  [16:15] There are no reliable chemsex studies in Germany. [20:00] Why did Karl decide to modify his foreword in the German version of his book?    RESOURCES:  Amazon link to German edition: https://tinyurl.com/bdhhj7n2   QUOTES:  “I had to admit I had a problem. That was the starting point to getting out of addiction.” “My stable life and [the drugs] were separate, but when I was driving down the German highway, there was a little window between those two universes and I couldn’t hide any longer.” “These new psychoactive substances are really scary. They’re just chemicals someone put together somewhere and now are selling it on the dark web.”

Carol Teitelbaum is a Marriage & Family Therapist and has been a licensed Therapist since 1985. Carol comes on the show to talk about abuse that has happened to our young boys and how this problem is still minimized in today’s society. She shares some common myths people have about men and abuse and how there’s a deep silence in the community for these men. She discusses the upcoming “It Happens to Boys” conference.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:30] A little bit about Carol.  [2:40] Let’s talk about our boys. What happens to boys? [3:20] Men do not get over sexual abuse. Men do not just ‘get over it’.  [6:30] Men have been told since they were little that they don’t have feelings. [8:00] What myths are out there about boys and sexual abuse? [9:10] Abuse is not about sex. It’s about power. [11:00] Women abuse boys! Boys get very little empathy when they’ve been abused by a woman. [15:40] Sexual intimacy goes way beyond just ‘putting it in’.  [21:00] How does Carol help someone who has been abused open up? [25:50] What does the healing journey look like for men?  [29:50] What’s the difference between anger and rage? [30:35] Let’s talk about the Creative Change Conference.   RESOURCES:  Creativechangeconferences.com Menhealing.org   QUOTES:  “People still think boys can’t be abused.” “Men who do not just get over it. Men who don’t get help or start their healing process, they rage because of all the emotions that they tucked away.” “I’ve heard men say, “If you really knew who I was, you’d think I’m disgusting.” It’s because they’ve been abused.”  

Ignacio Labayen De Inza is the CEO of Controlling Chemsex, an organization that provides chemsex support to people living in the UK. Ignacio has personally struggled with chemsex himself and understands how lonely and isolating the journey to recovery can be. This is why he’s been working in this field since 2008 to help those struggling with addiction and their relationship to sex. In this episode, Ignacio explains how severe the chemsex problem is in the UK from someone who is on the ground.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:30] A little bit about Ignacio and his life story.  [5:15] Ignacio struggled with his relationship with drugs and all he wanted to do was get himself back on track and onto a healthier path.  [10:50] Covid made it difficult for Ignacio to continue his work with Grindr. [12:30] Why do people use drugs to help with their sex life?  [19:00] Sex addiction is just a syndrome to a bigger problem.  [21:50] Ignacio has applied for funding to further help the community. [23:30] What kind of trends has Ignacio been seeing happening in the UK?  [26:20] There’s misinformation everywhere and as the problem gets worse, the stigma continues further.  [30:00] Chemsex is a problem everywhere, not just in the UK.    RESOURCES:  Controllingchemsex.com Ignacio on LinkedIn   QUOTES:  “Lots of people can not pay for private therapy. We are aware of that. All the services that we are providing are free of charge.” “We are applying for money. Times are not easy, we have a recession, but we have to fight.” “What we’re seeing, the chemsex reality is much worse. The problem gets worse but the stigma remains.”

Kenya Hutton has dedicated close to 20 years to working in social justice, equity, HIV prevention, and the facilitation of behavioral interventions among communities heavily impacted by HIV in NYC and Washington, DC. In this episode, Kenya talks about the Ballroom community and how it has been a stable for many LGBTQ+ members for decades now. He explains a little bit of the history and what he’s doing to persevere the history that Ballroom has been to many people who have been shunned by their own families based on who they are.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] A little about Kenya and his advocacy work.  [4:25] Why is Kenya so passionate about HIV prevention work?  [6:35] What is the Ballroom Community about?  [11:50] Ballroom has taught Kenya how to advocate for himself. Ballroom was a big force of strength for him and for many LGBTQ+ members.  [18:10] What is the age limit for Ballroom?  [22:15] Ballroom is a place for many children who have been kicked out of their homes for being who they are.  [24:30] There are Ballroom chapters all over the world!  [25:00] With Ballroom growing so rapidly, what are some of Kenya’s fears?    RESOURCES:  Capitalpride.org/team_members/kenya-hutton Kenya on LinkedIn Centerforblackequity.org BallroomCouncil on Facebook QUOTES:  “I remember myself being a young queer person feeling like I was the only one. Ballroom is what showed me that there was a whole world out there.” “I’m happy that it’s expanding, but I am hoping we can continue that the core tenants of Ballroom is still upheld as a community.” “People think we’ve gone so far and that we don’t need this stuff anymore, but the moment we get rid of it, you’ll realize how much you really needed it.”

Richard L. Zaldivar has been on the forefront of the fight against HIV/AIDs in the latino and LGBTQ community. His non-profit, The Wall Las Memorias Project, is making important social impacts in Los Angeles, California. Under the project, Richard and team were able to create the nation’s first publicly funded AIDs monument in the US., the first ever AIDs awareness day at the Dodger’s stadium, and they are a strong advocate in the fight against crystal meth.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:00] A little bit about The Wall Las Memorias Project [4:00] There was so much stigma about HIV back in 1983. Richard has worked hard to change that.  [4:15] What were some of the challenges LGBTQ Latinos experienced? [6:20] What is the monument that The Wall Las Memorias Project built and why was this so important to the Latino community?  [7:30] Anyone anywhere in the world can submit a name to the wall. You don’t have to be Latino. [8:30] A lot of LGBTQ communities shy away from faith or religious aspects, but Richard was purposeful in including it.  [9:45] So many Latinos have been broken by religious discrimination.  [10:30] In the very early days of the Project, Richard had a catholic priest serve on the board. A lot of members were upset about this.  [14:00] Richard shares a little bit about his background and how he knew that this work was his path.  [17:00] Meth drug abuse has been rampant in LA communities.  [21:40] So many LGBTQ members feel disrespected whenever they walk into a treatment clinic.  [24:20] You have to have a holistic approach when it comes to these communities. Many therapists and drug rehab specialists are not trained on these subtle nuances.  [27:10] Richard is concerned about HIV support staff. They’re understaffed and on the verge of burnout.    RESOURCES:  Thewalllasmemorias.org/home About Richard QUOTES:  “We’ve been able to build an organization that addresses not only the LGBTQ community, but also the latino community, and underserved communities in the areas of HIV, substance use, mental health prevention, and community and leadership development.”  “I’m a recovering alcoholic so spirituality was already there, but I had a tremendous faith in my God that never left me.”  “In LA, we’re looking at increases of Fentanyl and Meth, which becomes deadly. A number of folks have died from that. The issue is very complex and political.”

Steven Davidson is a licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Sex Therapist in Fort Lauderdale. He is known as the Sexual Integrity Coach and has over 30 years of experience working with couples. He is also the author of Sexual Integrity. In this week's episode, Steven shares why it's so important to communicate your actual desires instead of keeping them secret from your partner. When Steven coaches men addicted to chemsex, he understands an underlying problem goes beyond the drugs; they're struggling with connection, intimacy, and bonding. Find out more on this week's episode.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:40] How does Steven define sexual integrity?  [3:15] Sexualty  doesn’t just happen at puberty. It develops throughout our early childhood.  [5:30] There was a lot of toxic messaging around same sex attraction and it brings a lot o shame for those who fall under the LGBTQ+ umbrella.  [7:20] Today, things are a little bit more open in how people can express their sexuality, but the work is still not done.  [10:05] Did you know that it wasn't until 1967 that people of different races could marry each other?  [13:20] Chemsex is unfortunately much more prevalent in Florida than in Tennessee.  [16:35] Steven helps men define what their sexual preferences are, and uncover why they feel they need to be 'under the influence' in order to enjoy it.  [20:45] Sex is a big part of how we connect with other people and how we bond with other people. In order for us to really connect, we have to be honest about our own kinks, fetishes, and desires.  [24:20] Couples often keep secrets from each other about the bedroom and what they like. They're afraid of talking about it. Steven helps remove that stigma.  [27:15] We are not good at repressing our sexual drives, and being in denial doesn't stop our desires.   RESOURCES:  Drstevendavidson.com Steven on LinkedIn https://www.facebook.com/dr.davidson.sexintegrity   QUOTES:  “For me, integrity is about being authentic, transparent, walking your talk, and being honest. Sexual integrity is about being honest about who you are as a sexual being and being respectful of who other people are.”  “In childhood, we don't really think of children as sexual beings, but our sexuality starts forming in utero. In utero, there are things that are happening that influence our gender and our sexual orientation.”  “Sexuality is innate. It's not something that's avoidable. We're designed to be sexual beings.”

Today we have three guests on the show. Dr. Stefanie Carnes is the President of the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP), Kristina Padilla is the Vice President of Education & Strategic Development as well as the Chief Academic Officer for California Consortium of Addiction Programs and Professionals (CCAPP), and Randall McDaniel works as the Digital Media Coordinator and Community Manager for IITAP’s Rainbow Program.   In this week’s episode, you’ll hear our three guests talk about some of the benefits of IITAP’s new educational rainbow program and why it’s perfect for those who want to understand their clients’ sexuality better, equip themselves to improve their support for the clients they serve, or just to be a better ally to the LGBTQIA2+ community in general. Find out more on this week’s show!   TAKEAWAYS: [0:45] A little bit about today’s three guests! Dr. Stefanie, Kristina, and Randall. [4:00] Dr. Stefanie talks about  IITAPand their new Rainbow Advocate Program. [6:30] Unfortunately, a lot of therapists feel really unprepared to work with the LGBTQIA2++ community. There’s just not enough resources out there for them. [8:10] Who is eligible to attend and be part of the Rainbow Advocate Program? [10:55] Kristina shares why this program is important to the community and additional info on who can benefit from a program like this. [12:30] For a lot of people, the terminology is not intuitive and/or easy to remember. It’s important we educate not only the public, but ourselves, on why these things matter. [15:00] Those who have lived through the AIDS epidemic are becoming retriggered once again with what’s going on with COVID. The thought of dying alone and being in isolation like some of their friends did in the 80s is very traumatic and triggering. [16:20] How does this program address shame and stigma? Dr. Stefanie shares her thoughts. [19:35] It’s important to everybody working on the Rainbow Advocate Program to make it a safe place for students to explore their own sexuality and ask questions. [20:05] Kristina shares what she’s most excited about the program. [20:35] This program addresses cultural issues and the historical trauma Native Americans have and have experienced. [21:40] What does this program mean to Randall? [24:00] How do you take this course? [26:15] Interested in becoming a Certified Rainbow Advocate? Randall offers information on how to apply. [28:10] Our three guests offer some final thoughts and insights on what you need to know about this program and why it’s so useful in today’s world.   RESOURCES:  Iitap.com Randall on IITAP Stefanie on IITAP Certifiedrainbowadvocate.com Ccapp.us Kristina on LinkedIn   QUOTES:  “Oh my god, this is happening again. Dying alone, dying in isolation, being sick, and not knowing how you got it. It has a huge impact on people.” “Everybody’s so caught up on these body parts when transitioning, but there’s a transition of hair, clothes, everything. We are excited to put out proper terminology.” “This is not just another quick course in terms of how to recognize what these letters mean. It’s so much more than that. This is personal. Whoever takes this course can really benefit from that.”

Jeff Berry and Derrick Mapp are both long-time survivors of HIV. They are advocates in their community and work for HIV organizations to help other persons living with HIV find normalcy in their lives. Their mission is to reduce the stigma of HIV. In this week’s episode, you’ll learn about Shanti Project and The Reunion Project, and how these organizations support and bring people together in the local community for deeper connection and love.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:55] Jeff Berry shares that he has been living with HIV since 1989. He's been working in Chicago for different HIV awareness organizations throughout his career. [2:35] Derrick Map introduces himself as a long-time survivor living with HIV since 1995. He’s currently living in San Francisco and working for Shanti Project, an HIV organization. [3:25] Shanti project is a legacy HIV organization that started during the 70s. [4:35] What is the definition of long-term HIV survivor? [5:35] Just living and surviving is not enough. We must look back, reflect, and address the long-term issues that these marginalized groups are facing.  [7:35]The impact of having to live with HIV and being told you are going to die soon affects anyone’s mental health.  [8:15] Derrick talks about his experience at The Reunion Project. There are gaps within the HIV+ community.  [12:10] The Reunion Project helps people who are still struggling. They created town halls that help community members connect with more people.  [14:25] When people come together and share collective stories, it gives people another perspective of life and hope that they are not alone. [16:55] People are hungry for information, it's like an appetizer. The meal is where people come together to build connections with one another.  [19:05] Being able to receive support as well as give support has been vital. [20:40] Long-time survivors are often silent about their experience and what they are feeling or going through.  [23:35] The trauma of an HIV diagnosis today is likely not at the same level as survivors who have lived with this disease for more than 20 years.  [25:55] How do we expand and keep being responsive to the community that we are committed to? [26:45] In California, the governor is signing the HIV and AGING act. What does this mean for the community?    RESOURCES:  https://www.tpan.com/reunion-project Shanti.org Tpan.com  Jeff Berry on Twitter Derrick Mapp on LinkedIn The Reunion Project on Twitter The Reunion Project on Facebook Email [email protected]    QUOTES:  “Anyone who has self-identified as a longtime survivor is in fact a long-time survivor.” “People are hungry for information, it's almost like an appetizer that opens to the meal. The meal is the connection that people get with one another.“ “The wounded healers are out there doing the work but are also a part of the work.”

Adam Nathan Schultz is a massage therapist, yoga teacher, endurance running, and former chemsex user. Christopher Tearno is a nurse practitioner who has clinical experience with infectious diseases. Today, our two guests talk about the importance of connection to the body and rediscovering what your body -really- feels like after the use of drugs. Many providers focus just on thoughts and feelings but listening to and taking care of our bodies will deepen recovery and reduce risk of relapse.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:35] Christopher shares how he got involved in this field. [6:10] How did Adam get into this field? [8:55] Adam tried everything to find his path to recovery. [12:00] Christopher has seen that the sexual desires often get missed when trying to approach recovery. [13:20] Why do people relapse? Christopher shares his experiences. [16:45] You have to address all areas of someone’s life if you want to see recovery, and that includes their relationship with sex and addiction. [17:10] Adam is a trauma survivor and has struggled with his own trauma for many years. [19:30] How do you have a successful recovery? [22:45] Adam tries to create ‘impatience’ within his classes to help his students practice being present. [27:00] Connecting with your body is a much more sustainable way to recover from chemsex use.   RESOURCES:  Bodyquake.nl Breathing space yoga Email Christopher: [email protected]   QUOTES:  “I remember seeing those really scary ads on the bus stop. The tweaker ads with the crazy photos. It was just a big scare tactic.” “You need to get past seeing someone as a patient, and seeing them as a person.” “You just need to get clean and sober, and then the sex will take care of itself. It didn’t.” “We seek pleasure to mask the pain.”