How to Grow from Anxious or Avoidant to Secure Attachment in Relationships

There is nothing more gut-wrenching than a divorce or the end of a long-term relationship. It makes you question everything. And nobody gives you a manual for how to rebuild your personal life after a messy breakup.  The modern dating landscape makes this even more difficult. Dating apps can feel like a second job that doesn’t pay or even lead to dates. And the professional skills you’ve developed to become a high achiever don’t work for building relationships.  And if you clicked on the title of this episode, there’s a good chance you’re feeling a deep sense of frustration, uncertainty, and fear.  But here’s the good news:  Not only is it possible to bounce back after a rough breakup, but it gives you an opportunity to build a deeper, more authentic connection that fulfills you in ways that weren’t possible in your last relationship. I’m living proof: Today I have a loving family (even after my first divorce about 20 years ago).   And that’s what I reveal in today’s episode. You’ll discover how to rebuild your identity, how to make the modern dating landscape work for you, and how to develop emotional intelligence so you’re prepared for your next relationship.  By the end of this episode, you'll have a clear road map to confidently re-enter the dating world, not with uncertainty or awkwardness, but with a sense of clarity, purpose and ease that matches the confidence you've built in your professional life. Listen now.  Show Highlights Include: How the wrong romantic partner bleeds into your work, your health, and your overall fulfillment in life (1:00)  Where to start after a crushing divorce or end to a long-term relationship to rebuild your personal life in a way where this doesn’t happen again (5:22)  The weird way your forgotten hobbies help you overcome the heartbreak of divorce (6:10)  Why unaddressed breakup wounds will sabotage your next relationship (and the “scars and all” mindset shift to heal from these wounds as soon as possible) (7:27)  How high achievers can attract worthy partners in the modern dating landscape (even if if your last serious relationship started before dating apps) (9:42)  The #1 most underrated (and most effective) way to meet potential partners who already share your values (11:51)  How the qualities that make you successful at work repel your dream partner in intimate relationships (16:40)  How to answer the question about past relationships on a date in a way that builds connection instead of protecting your ego (20:02)  For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/  Emotional Mastery is David Tian's step-by-step system to transform, regulate, and control your emotions... so that you can master yourself, your interactions with others, and your relationships... and live a life worth living. Learn more here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/emotionalmastery 

Does success feel hollow? Or worse, like a weight around your neck?  This is a common feeling for high achievers who were led to believe that success brings fulfillment. When you realize this isn’t true, burnout, a lack of connection, and deep sense of dissatisfaction can rear their ugly heads.  But what if you could transform your life from the inside out?  That’s exactly what I show you how to do in today’s show. I share tools and insights that will not only help you break free from burnout and dissatisfaction, but also reinvent yourself to enjoy a life filled with clarity, connection, and genuine fulfillment.  Listen now.  Show Highlights Include: The “Self-Leadership” secret that saves you from burnout, prevents you from sabotaging relationships, and frees you from unconscious patterns (4:23)  This two-minute therapeutic exercise uncovers the hidden dynamics that drive your thoughts, feelings, and actions (6:15)  How to use “DBT” therapy to master your inner world of emotions (even if you don’t have extreme emotions) (10:10)  Why the “5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique” can stop a heated argument with your partner before it erupts into regret (10:49)  How beating yourself up emotionally prolongs and even prevents the healing process (13:26)  The “3 things” trick for transforming chaos and obstacles into opportunity by rewiring your brain (15:18)  For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/  Emotional Mastery is David Tian's step-by-step system to transform, regulate, and control your emotions... so that you can master yourself, your interactions with others, and your relationships... and live a life worth living. Learn more here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/emotionalmastery 

Do you find yourself in a never-ending chase for the next achievement, the next form of external validation? Well, despite how rampant this chase runs through high achievers, it leads you down a road that only ends in exhaustion, disappointment, and even depression.  Worst part?  No matter how much “success” you accumulate, it will never provide the deep sense of fulfillment your soul is yearning for.  That’s the bad news.  The good news?  While redefining success is one of the most difficult things you can go through (especially after you’ve achieved so much external and societal success), not only is it possible, but it’s the most rewarding thing you can do.  And in this episode, I outline the 3 steps you need to take to redefine success, so you can self-actualize and become a much more fulfilled version of yourself.  Listen now.  Show Highlights Include: The “halfway up the pyramid” problem that robs high achievers from the most fulfilling parts of their lives (2:37)  How to stop relying on external markers for your self-worth with the “wealth from within” secret (3:29)  The “Two C’s” trap high achievers fall into that creates a recipe for suffering (4:03)  2 difficult questions you must ask yourself—and answer—to achieve a level of self-actualization that transcends material and external success (6:08)  The weird reason why traumatic experiences are an opportunity to discover your purpose in disguise (8:12)  How thinking more like a toddler can reconnect you to your true self and true purpose (21:42)  For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/  Emotional Mastery is David Tian's step-by-step system to transform, regulate, and control your emotions... so that you can master yourself, your interactions with others, and your relationships... and live a life worth living. Learn more here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/emotionalmastery 

We’re taught from a young age that success is the best path to a fulfilling and satisfying life. So achievers dedicate themselves to achieving, thinking it will bring success.  The problem is, success is not the same thing as fulfillment. And often, the more successful you become, the emptier you feel inside. As your relationships crumble, your self-doubt, loneliness, and existential fear consume you.  Worst part?  Success only further magnifies these feelings. You could have all the material success in the world, but you’ll still feel hollow inside.  In today’s episode, you’ll discover the hidden emotional toll of success, how to face buried feelings before they sabotage everything you love, and how to be both successful and fulfilled.  Listen now.  Show Highlights Include: The weird way becoming more successful makes you feel emptier inside (and the only true way to find fulfillment) (1:51) The vicious cycle of society that traps you in a never-ending loop of achievement at the expense of true fulfillment, connection, and happiness (4:55)  How success hides your deepest emotional issues until they explode to the surface (6:06)  The hidden emotional toll of success that makes life harder with each achievement instead of easier (9:32)  Why suppressing emotions creates a “pressure cooker effect” that results in a midlife crisis (17:10)  How avoiding your emotions steals your power over them and makes you do their bidding (20:06)  For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/  Emotional Mastery is David Tian's step-by-step system to transform, regulate, and control your emotions... so that you can master yourself, your interactions with others, and your relationships... and live a life worth living. Learn more here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/emotionalmastery 

Most achievers who want more from life—whether in their relationships, career, or fulfillment—turn to best-selling self-help books. But most of the “wisdom” in these bestsellers doesn’t stand the test of time—at least not when compared to ancient texts that have helped people for thousands of years.  One such ancient book that offers a treasure trove of wisdom is called the Zhuangzi, an early Daoist text. And while it’s more than 2,000 years old… the wisdom contained inside this text is timeless. In fact, it’s even more useful in modern life than it was in ancient times.  In this episode, we're diving into wisdom that could completely reshape your life coming from a source that most achievers have never even heard of. It's ancient, it's profound, and it might just unlock what you've been searching for in love, career, and your inner life.  Listen now.  Show Highlights Include: Why this under-the-radar, ancient text can solve your modern day relationships problems better than any best-selling self-help book (0:31) What if you didn’t have to struggle, stress, or endlessly prove yourself? Here’s a liberating mindset that can get rid of these pressures (3:58)  The “Wu Wei” secret for becoming more authentic and aligned in your relationship instead of always at tension’s mercy (8:42)  How to become more successful than you ever imagined by letting go of your expectations and the constant grind for success (13:01)  Do you feel trapped in your own identity? Here’s why a butterfly can set you free from this perspective and give you a healthier one (16:55)  How to permanently eliminate your neediness (both in your relationships and career) (24:45)  This ancient Chinese technique helps you “fast” your mind (and free yourself from worries, pressures, and emotions that aren’t serving you) (27:23)  The Bruce Lee method for becoming wildly successful in your personal and professional life by acting like a toddler (30:14)  For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/  Emotional Mastery is David Tian's step-by-step system to transform, regulate, and control your emotions... so that you can master yourself, your interactions with others, and your relationships... and live a life worth living. Learn more here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/emotionalmastery 

Your earliest relationships when you were a child can significantly impact your relationships as an adult.  How?  Well, when you’re young, you develop one of four attachment styles that can make or break your relationships today. The problem is, only one of these attachment styles set you up for a long, thriving relationship. While the other three are the culprits behind why you’ve sabotaged past relationships.  That’s the bad news.  The good news? It’s possible to break free from a self-destructive attachment style and instead learn the skills and mindsets to develop a secure attachment style. And that’s exactly what we cover in today’s show.  In this episode, you’ll discover the 4 attachment styles, how they show up and impact relationships, and how to grow out of an insecure attachment style into a secure one.  The end result?  Not only will you have more luck with building a healthy, thriving relationship, but you’ll also grow in every other area of your life too.  Listen now.  Show Highlights Include: How to break free from your relationship-sabotaging attachment style (even if it’s wrecked every relationship you’ve been in) (0:34)  The weirdest, yet most proven way to grow in your career, land a promotion, and bring home a bigger paycheck (2:12)  How your parents’ programming suffocates your relationships today (and how to stop letting your childhood programming control your adult life) (3:53)  4 types of attachment styles, how to figure out which style best suits you, and how each one shows up in relationships (4:14)  The “survival strategy” mindset shift for understanding and healing past traumas that keep you stuck today (11:24)  How the “name it” method builds emotional awareness, improves your emotional regulation, and helps you avoid explosive fights (17:46)  For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/  Emotional Mastery is David Tian's step-by-step system to transform, regulate, and control your emotions... so that you can master yourself, your interactions with others, and your relationships... and live a life worth living. Learn more here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/emotionalmastery 

Do you find yourself hopping from one toxic relationship to the next? If so, here’s a tough pill to swallow: You’re the common denominator—especially if you think you’ve just gotten unlucky in relationships.  But here’s the truth…  Until you take full responsibility for your own actions and behaviors, no matter how big or small, you’ll keep repeating the same toxic patterns.  But there is a solution (as long as you’re willing to get uncomfortable and take responsibility for the role you’ve played in sabotaging your relationships).  It won’t be easy, but it will help you finally break free from the cycle of toxic relationships—for good.  In today’s show, you’ll discover why blaming your partner is a double edged sword, how you push your own unresolved issues onto your partner, and most importantly, how to take responsibility for your role in toxic relationships, so you break out of the toxic cycle.  Listen now.  Show Highlights Include: The brutal truth about why you’re constantly finding yourself in toxic relationships (0:30)  How to free yourself from toxic relationships by following the difficult, yet wildly effective “RR Method” (0:43)  Do you find your partner being too flirty with others out of nowhere? Here’s why your deep-seated insecurity could be the reason… (3:56) The insidious “Drama Triangle” that plays out in unhealthy relationships (without either person realizing they’re making their relationship toxic) (4:56)   How to take responsibility for relationship conflicts and turmoil (even if you’re not the one to “blame”) (8:46)  Asking yourself this question when you feel a rush of anger, jealousy, or fear in your relationship empowers you to break free from the toxic cycle that follows you to every relationship (15:25)  Why a victim mentality prevents you from building a healthy, long-term relationship (and how to ditch your victim mentality for good) (17:09)  For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/  Emotional Mastery is David Tian's step-by-step system to transform, regulate, and control your emotions... so that you can master yourself, your interactions with others, and your relationships... and live a life worth living. Learn more here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/emotionalmastery 

Nothing is more destructive than a toxic relationship. It’s more dangerous than a bad diet, a lack of exercise, and even smoking. Energy-sapping relationships don’t just mess with your mental health, they also shorten your life.  But how do you build a thriving, long-term relationship that grows stronger each year, instead of one that devolves into resentment, or worse, passionless?  Well, that’s what I reveal in today’s episode.  You’ll discover the 5 key relationship skills you need to master to build a relationship that doesn’t just survive, but thrives—despite the obstacles you and your partner will encounter.  Listen now.  Show Highlights Include: This is the ONLY way to prevent your relationship from self-destructing in a blaze of fights, resentment, and bitterness (or slowly devolving into a passionless, lifeless partnership) (0:56)  Why getting triggered at innocent, passing comments by your partner can be a good thing for your relationship if you do this after (2:06)  How relying on your significant other to fix how you feel slowly poisons your relationship down to the roots (3:00)  Try this simple “I, not you” technique when discussing your emotions with your partner to avoid unnecessary conflict (4:29)  How to bounce back after an emotional rupture in a way that actually strengthens your relationship (9:44)  This mindset is one of the best predictors of a successful, long-term relationship and one that ends in misery (12:38)  The “time out” secret for de-escalating a conflict that’s heating up too rapidly (17:32)  For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/  Emotional Mastery is David Tian's step-by-step system to transform, regulate, and control your emotions... so that you can master yourself, your interactions with others, and your relationships... and live a life worth living. Learn more here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/emotionalmastery 

The longest running study in history has proven, with 80+ years of data to back it up, that your relationships are the single most important factor for your longevity, happiness, and even your career.  Here’s the problem:  The reverse is also true. In fact, being in a bad marriage can shave off 12 literal years of your life. To make matters worse, most people never think that their relationships alter their health, longevity, or success.  In today’s show, you’ll discover how exactly a bad marriage shaves off years of your life, how a strong marriage doesn’t just increase your lifespan, but your success too, and why your relationships are more important than your bank account, your job title, and your VO2 max. Listen now.  Show Highlights Include: Why achieving (and surpassing) your fitness and financial goals won’t keep you happy, fulfilled, or even alive (only THIS will…) (0:58)  3 ways a toxic relationship shaves off actual years of your life (2:04)  How the “slow drain” trap men often find themselves in erases 12 years from your life (7:24)  The weird way a strong marriage supercharges your career growth and wealth (11:03)  The rarely-talked about #1 most powerful asset for achieving lasting success (13:26)  How to get the health and success benefits of marriage even if you’re single (15:36)  This is the most important predictor of your health, happiness, and fulfillment—proven by 80+ years of data (20:20)  For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/  Emotional Mastery is David Tian's step-by-step system to transform, regulate, and control your emotions... so that you can master yourself, your interactions with others, and your relationships... and live a life worth living. Learn more here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/emotionalmastery 

Therapy is one of the best ways to better understand yourself, your emotions, and your past. Especially with how they impact your present.  Until it’s not.  Staying in therapy for too long can turn into an endless loop of processing feelings without ever moving forward. It makes you feel stuck in a victim mindset, haunted by your past, instead of actively working to change your present and future.  In today’s show, you’ll discover what to do next after therapy to best move forward, unlock personal growth, and create the life you want to live.  Listen now.  Show Highlights Include: 4 massive limitations of therapy that can actually make it take longer to grow from your past (0:44) The insidious “Therapy Trap” many who go to therapy fall into that keeps you stuck in place (and what to do after therapy to make real change) (3:19) 3 reasons why leadership coaching leads to more growth and confidence than therapy ever could (5:48)  Asking yourself this simple question when you feel stuck instantly frees you from this feeling (10:57)  How taking full responsibility of your past empowers you to change your present and future (even if everything wasn’t solely your fault) (19:27)  For more about David Tian, go here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/about/  Emotional Mastery is David Tian's step-by-step system to transform, regulate, and control your emotions... so that you can master yourself, your interactions with others, and your relationships... and live a life worth living. Learn more here: https://www.davidtianphd.com/emotionalmastery