The secret to mastering the nafs

One of the biggest problems with the spiritual path, and with self-improvement in general is that it's really hard to measure your level of progress.  How do you know if you're actually any closer to Allah than you were yesterday?  We usually try to judge it by our behaviour… and then pretty soon end up either beating ourselves up or feeling superior to others (...aaaand the nafs wins again!)  That's why I've created a super-easy Nafs Mastery Assessment. It's not perfect, but it asks you questions that you probably hadn't thought of that gives an indication as to how much your ego/ nafs is running your life, without you being aware of it.  www.mamoonyusaf.com/nafs

A couple of weeks ago, to Piers Morgan's delight, a clip of him interviewing Russel Brand went viral.  Because it was hilarious.  The poor guy seems to be experiencing the 'new convert energy' syndrome, where he's super enthusiastic about his new found (Christian) faith, but also a little insecure and eagerly wanting to share the word of God with the people.  He brought his copy of the Bible with him to the interview and Piers asked him if he'd like to share the verse he was reflecting on while in court.  Brand eagerly reached for the Bible and started flicking through pages, searching for the verse he wanted to share.

After over 15 years of coaching, I'm going to let you in on a secret.  There is something that happens in almost every single coaching session, at the moment the client has a breakthrough:  They drop their nafs.  For real. "Insight is when the ego collapses over a particular subject", as mentioned in the book, 'Inside the Soul of Islam'.    What does that look like in real-life?

Therapy and coaching can be useful tools for self-improvement. However, the biggest challenge with them is the fact that most people - especially the ones who need it the most - will never do it.  And this is not entirely without reason.  There is a lot of distrust of psycho-therapists, particularly those trained only in western Freudian models of the mind, devoid of religion, spirituality and sometimes even common sense.  Besides, if this therapy 'service' was not needed for thousands of years, why is it suddenly so fashionable now? 

There are 2 types of people in this world:  Spiritual Warriors and "Normies".  "Normies" are normal people.  There's nothing wrong with being a "normie". Most people are. They do fine. They go through mental and emotional suffering - much of it needless. They get freaked out when 'big things' happen in their lives and in the world. They're plagued with anxiety and bouts of depression, completely vulnerable to their circumstances.  Ultimately, they usually don't contribute much to the elevation of the consciousness of humanity most of the time. 

Here's a question that recently came up in a coaching session: Client: I've been trying to be present and I've let go of a lot of thinking about the past… but now I'm constantly thinking about the future. Me: If you want to gain any insight or clarity into deepening your level of presence, it has to start with presence. So, right now, are you fully present, with me, in this moment? Bring your full attention into the Now. Clear your mind. Take a deep, conscious breath. Client: I can't. My mind jumps to what's next and issues with my work and family. Me: That's okay, tune into your breath and your body. Do you notice any feelings in your body as your mind tries to run away? Client: Yes, I feel really bad.

Q: "How do I get rid of guilt and stop beating myself up after I sin?" After you mess up and realise you've done something wrong, the temptation is to become Judgy-Mc-Mufti Pants and start beating yourself up and drowning in guilt. I say 'temptation', deliberately. It is, indeed, your nafs (ego) that leads you down this dark, self-denigrating path of self-sabotage. Most people never become aware of this fact and foolishly believe that they feel guilty because they sinned.

I recently had a question from a client:  "The other day I was out with my family and I saw the mother of my ex-fiance. I gave her the nicest smile and she gave me the meanest, most horrible look like she wanted something really bad to happen to me."  At this point the client was on the verge of tears just recounting the event.  My response:  "Awwh, it must be really hard to live in your head." She quickly snapped out of it and became curious about what I meant. 

Here are a few reasons why I got so excited when I saw that 'MY People' (email subscribers like your good self) voted for the name of my next coaching program to be, "Nafs Mastery"... All of our relationship, mindset and spiritual 'problems' are manifestations of the nafs (ego) playing its games on us, without us being aware of it The essence of all spiritual growth comes down to the extent to which we are aware of (and not falling for) the tricks and traps of our nafs "Nafs" is not an English word… but it totally should be! It is perhaps one of the easiest-to-pronounce Arabic words that I hope will one day make its way into the Oxford dictionary

A question came up on a group coaching call recently: "How do you parent when you have no example? The way we grew up, with Pakistani parents who were really strict and didn't really connect with us or do any of the things that we now know we're supposed to do… things that are better for the kids in the long run… and more Islamic - like, how do we not just flip out when we see our kids doing something wrong?